Considering that any Christian who takes their faith even half seriously will define themselves by it, it seems normal that I would be so defined by my apostasy. And I am quite deeply. And it sucks.

I feel like that journey was such a trial for me. A marathon of uncertain inquiry that built up within me a fearless passion and desire for truth and the resilience to handle its prickly cruel nature.

What useless qualities they have proven to be.

Even as I consider them to be among the best of me, I look at the daily habits that my life is reduced to and therein it has not served me well. 

For what good is truth in killing the hours? In providing a sense of worth? In creating wealth and family?

There isn't a lot of need in these worlds for someone like me.
No one has been cruel to me, but I have never felt so unwanted and unneeded. I am a very lost person right now, and its scary to be so without direction or purpose.
I hope this is temporary. To be caught in transistion between the isolated chambers of Ballarat and the timewarp of Sydney is not something I really relish.

I'm sad because nothing is home at the moment. I'm just lost.

Overkill on the melodrama. Its probably not that bad, and things will likely get a lot better. It has just been....difficult.

I can fix this.