Me and Bec - Part 2: The sex part (and thus the biggest, naturally)

For me the easiest place to begin is probably our sexual journey. It remains more prominent and fresh in my mind for a few reasons, namely that it has been a difficult and extremely frustrating journey for both of us, but also likely because of my fascination with sex and how interesting a thing it is in of itself, and also how enjoyable a past time I find it to be now.

I will greatly attest that chastity did not serve Bec and I well. The frustration, confusion and guilt that such ideology creates brought many hurdles into our relationship, most of which were unnecessary, and I would only ever advise it to the most unique of relationships.

In fact most of the Christian Values that we initially strove to maintain in regards to sexuality are ill wrought.  Whilst it serves as an attempt to control and leash something as volatile and potentially destructive as sex and sexual expression, it in doing so it can bring with it another set of equally destructive problems.

Generally speaking, what we learned about sex in Church and Christian circles was naive and unrealistic.

On the flip-side what I learned about sex from pornography, television and advertising wasn’t exactly consistent with reality either.

Looking back though, it’s no wonder our sexual union was so confusing. Educational sources regarding healthy sexual expression that are actually helpful and accurate are far too rare. (It is one reason I do not shirk from the subject, as the honest accounts of others are one of the few things that actually provided useful in our journey to compatibility).

Chastity turned what should have been an exciting time of sexual discovery into a guilt-ridden journey of frustration and confusion, as we sought to deny our bodies what was only healthy and natural for any normal human being. Such a situation made us hold marital consummation up as a light at the end of the tunnel, wherein the frustrations created by our desire would evaporate in the face of full permission.

That expectation turned to sore disappointment. For my wife, that serious commitment with which she held herself to sexual purity left her poorly equipped to carry a burden as heavy as a sexually fulfilling relationship. With only a rough idea of how to meet my sexual needs (men are generally speaking easier to please then ladies. One hand will do) and no idea as to what would meet her own, that which was meant to be a relief to us, a sacred reward after a long and difficult journey, turned into a maze of confusion and frustration. The consummation was nothing that our Christian upbringing had told us it would be. Instead of fulfillment we felt inadequate and cheated.

And whilst I cannot speak for my wife on the matter, It was quite possibly the biggest let down of my life. My sexuality has always been such a huge element of my personality and who I am as a person, and then for me to feel like I had failed in such an all-pervasive area had massive repercussions.

What followed was a harrowing sexual awakening for both of us. It felt like having to learn surgery when I was already being forced to practice it. It is for this reason I resent our decision to wait till marriage for sex. I think that in a healthy and caring relationship, sexual discovery happens more organically without the hard lines of religion dictating it. It provides room and time for people to evaluate their sexual experiences, and to negotiate each step as it comes, when those involved feel emotionally ready for it. Such a journey, for Bec and I, would have been intimate and exciting. Unfortunately that experience was robbed from us with feelings of guilt and frustration.

But we have been fortunate in spite of such circumstance, and I think it attests to our maturity and dedication to each other that we’re on our way to a place that is sexually fulfilling and intimate that also leaves much room for further growth and exploration. However the journey there has been, and continues to be at times, difficult, and even now I look back on much of it with regret. I would wish suffering we experienced upon that path upon no one. I feel there are far better paths to take.

To provide some more general thoughts surrounding sex and sexual expression:

Sex is awesome. It is a natural and incredibly awesome part of who you are, and understanding yourself sexually is just as important as understand yourself anywhere else.

The only advice that I feel that comfortably applies to everyone though is this:

Be honest.

With yourself, with your partner, with everyone, whether it be in marriage, friendships, or any other circumstance. No other part of your life needs honesty and sincerity like Sexuality does.

As a disclaimer though, my account and experience is not the only one out there, and what worked or didn’t work for me and my wife may or may not work for others. But it is for each to find what works best for them, according to their needs and wants, and I think it highly possible that our experience is somewhat more unique than others. However it is my hope that those who may be experiencing difficulties similar to ours may find insight or solace in this testimony.

It is true that I have spent great length on sexual aspect of our relationship, but it is that which has done so much to shape our relationship thus far, and thus deserves ample scrutiny and attention.

However now I will move on to other things worthy of mention next post.


For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.