Me and Bec - Part 5: What we are and Conclusion

It is probably worth mentioning that the initial vows under which we were wed we have more or less abandoned. They are rooted in Christian tradition, and whilst we appreciate many of the values expressed therein, they were too far removed from our own experiences and perspectives for us to truly own them in our own marriage.

We did discuss renewing our vows, amending them to suit our relationship, and whilst we haven’t undertaken any such ceremony beyond sincere discussion, I feel that the commitment with which we hold each other does not necessitate words or verbal promise, and as stated before goes beyond the need for conventions passed down in previous tradition (though it is perhaps worth ritualizing in new/updated ones.)

And I will state what in words is simple but in practice so beautiful and deep, what our commitment is:

That will we seek to help each other to be the best that either of us can be, so that for each other, and for the world, we can give the best of ourselves.

In that there is no mention of happiness, comfort or peace, though they are all relevant, they are not the end goal for which we strive. This is how we love each other.

We would not be satisfied if we tried for anything less.

Conclusion:It is worth mentioning that everything written up until the conclusion was formed at the very end of 2011, and since then our relationship has undertaken many new things, not the least of which include a move to Victoria, full time work for Bec and study for myself. These have presented a whole new dynamic of challenges for us to face, and have forced us to evaluate our relationship from different lights, leading us to consider new solutions, new possibilities.
Whilst the future always remains unknown, but exciting, I can say confidently that I am better for Bec and she would attest the reverse is true, and the past few years together has contributed greatly to the individuals we are today. I am privileged to be in a place where transparency and honesty are our prerogative, and her understanding always humbles me.
What I've written here is but a taste of what has been. What will be could be far from anything I ever expected, but I trust in Bec's character that it will be good, and we will do what's best for each other.

For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec - Part 4: Growth together

It has been a strange thing to toe the line between sensitivity to ones needs and the indulging of ones shortcomings, and the strength of Bec and my relationship comes from being able to do that well, though the skills again have not come to us easily.

It seems to be a natural part of human interaction, to skirt the issues that make others agitated and emotional, especially a society like ours, whose fear of social discourse tends to outweigh any desire for meaningful interaction.

And whilst it is the most uncomfortable thing to explore, nothing needs scrutiny like that which triggers our emotions. Rather than simply being points of unrest in our relationship, agitation now serves as an indicator for areas that need attention, for mature conviction rests on the faculties of truth and reason, a fact often obscured by heated argument and resentment. Such evaluation has served us well, bringing consistency and clarity to our persons.

For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec - Part 3: Dealing with Reality

(To whoever is reading, sorry I haven't posted lately. I have been away. Posting should resume as normal soon)

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I am thankful that I am with someone who agrees that a healthy relationship has nothing to do with indulging the vices of the other. I have seen many relationships whose bases rest on their ability to rationalize or disguise such things, but we strive to have none of that.

It is especially helpful for someone like me, who once was so apt at polishing my own bullshit that I was in dire need of someone who saw right through it.

The unfortunate fact is there are parts of people that for one reason or another we simply don’t like, parts that cannot even be aptly described by the terms right or wrong, and this rings full true in our relationship, whether it be my love of video games or the fact that my appreciation for the female form is not exclusive to my wife, or her high and low battle with chocolate, or complete disdain for video games. Coming to terms with facets of our personalities has been a very deliberate and systematic process, but we have never regretted such undertakings, and indeed found that by exploring these parts of ourselves and each other instead of resenting and avoiding them we have expanded our character and personality. From something as simple as increasing my appreciation of music I initially found distasteful, to learning to take health seriously and thus significantly improving my own quality of life, these steps in maturity stem from taking those inconvenient facets of reality seriously, instead of avoiding them.

For an active example for me personally, I always struggled with how my wife would interpret my strong appreciation for beautiful things of the female persuasion, and thus struggled between hiding the fact from her and repressing it within myself. And indeed when the admission was made, it caused some discomfort. However, in the honesty of such a moment, it has allowed for understanding and afforded her a deeper appreciation of the desires I had and the pains upon which it brought me. It also allowed her to distinguish insecurities about herself from my appreciation of others, and that there is no association therein.

Whilst the journey is ongoing, for us to reach a point of clarity and understanding in an area that can prove so volatile, especially considering our background that was steeped in values of monogamy, exclusivity, and hard lines on what constituted ‘sexual sin’, was not only a burden of our shoulders, but revealed to me just how deep and intimate our relationship could go. By examining and understanding those parts of each other that we found distasteful, we are afforded ourselves opportunities to explore and understand these things ourselves. We grow, not just in our relationship but also as whole persons.


For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec - Part 2: The sex part (and thus the biggest, naturally)

For me the easiest place to begin is probably our sexual journey. It remains more prominent and fresh in my mind for a few reasons, namely that it has been a difficult and extremely frustrating journey for both of us, but also likely because of my fascination with sex and how interesting a thing it is in of itself, and also how enjoyable a past time I find it to be now.

I will greatly attest that chastity did not serve Bec and I well. The frustration, confusion and guilt that such ideology creates brought many hurdles into our relationship, most of which were unnecessary, and I would only ever advise it to the most unique of relationships.

In fact most of the Christian Values that we initially strove to maintain in regards to sexuality are ill wrought.  Whilst it serves as an attempt to control and leash something as volatile and potentially destructive as sex and sexual expression, it in doing so it can bring with it another set of equally destructive problems.

Generally speaking, what we learned about sex in Church and Christian circles was naive and unrealistic.

On the flip-side what I learned about sex from pornography, television and advertising wasn’t exactly consistent with reality either.

Looking back though, it’s no wonder our sexual union was so confusing. Educational sources regarding healthy sexual expression that are actually helpful and accurate are far too rare. (It is one reason I do not shirk from the subject, as the honest accounts of others are one of the few things that actually provided useful in our journey to compatibility).

Chastity turned what should have been an exciting time of sexual discovery into a guilt-ridden journey of frustration and confusion, as we sought to deny our bodies what was only healthy and natural for any normal human being. Such a situation made us hold marital consummation up as a light at the end of the tunnel, wherein the frustrations created by our desire would evaporate in the face of full permission.

That expectation turned to sore disappointment. For my wife, that serious commitment with which she held herself to sexual purity left her poorly equipped to carry a burden as heavy as a sexually fulfilling relationship. With only a rough idea of how to meet my sexual needs (men are generally speaking easier to please then ladies. One hand will do) and no idea as to what would meet her own, that which was meant to be a relief to us, a sacred reward after a long and difficult journey, turned into a maze of confusion and frustration. The consummation was nothing that our Christian upbringing had told us it would be. Instead of fulfillment we felt inadequate and cheated.

And whilst I cannot speak for my wife on the matter, It was quite possibly the biggest let down of my life. My sexuality has always been such a huge element of my personality and who I am as a person, and then for me to feel like I had failed in such an all-pervasive area had massive repercussions.

What followed was a harrowing sexual awakening for both of us. It felt like having to learn surgery when I was already being forced to practice it. It is for this reason I resent our decision to wait till marriage for sex. I think that in a healthy and caring relationship, sexual discovery happens more organically without the hard lines of religion dictating it. It provides room and time for people to evaluate their sexual experiences, and to negotiate each step as it comes, when those involved feel emotionally ready for it. Such a journey, for Bec and I, would have been intimate and exciting. Unfortunately that experience was robbed from us with feelings of guilt and frustration.

But we have been fortunate in spite of such circumstance, and I think it attests to our maturity and dedication to each other that we’re on our way to a place that is sexually fulfilling and intimate that also leaves much room for further growth and exploration. However the journey there has been, and continues to be at times, difficult, and even now I look back on much of it with regret. I would wish suffering we experienced upon that path upon no one. I feel there are far better paths to take.

To provide some more general thoughts surrounding sex and sexual expression:

Sex is awesome. It is a natural and incredibly awesome part of who you are, and understanding yourself sexually is just as important as understand yourself anywhere else.

The only advice that I feel that comfortably applies to everyone though is this:

Be honest.

With yourself, with your partner, with everyone, whether it be in marriage, friendships, or any other circumstance. No other part of your life needs honesty and sincerity like Sexuality does.

As a disclaimer though, my account and experience is not the only one out there, and what worked or didn’t work for me and my wife may or may not work for others. But it is for each to find what works best for them, according to their needs and wants, and I think it highly possible that our experience is somewhat more unique than others. However it is my hope that those who may be experiencing difficulties similar to ours may find insight or solace in this testimony.

It is true that I have spent great length on sexual aspect of our relationship, but it is that which has done so much to shape our relationship thus far, and thus deserves ample scrutiny and attention.

However now I will move on to other things worthy of mention next post.


For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec - Part 1: Marriage

It is probably worth beginning with something that has played a significant role in my life over the last couple of years, something that has forced me to grow and learn more than any other single experience, and something that I feel needs so much more clarity and honesty surrounding it.

That thing would be my marriage, and marriage in general.

I feel that talking about marriage in its own right is an insufficient endeavour, especially in light of what the word has come to define in our day and age, because for my wife and I, marriage is to serve our relationship, and the needs therein, and not the other way around, and I would go as far to say that our the current depth and beauty of our relationship is so whole and complete, that the term marriage is less relevant and not so necessary, (at least to us. The term has social descriptive function). We don’t need the defined roles and conventions of that institution anymore to define what maturity and growth in our relationship looks like.

So when I talk about my marriage, in earnest I merely speak to the relationship between my beautiful wife and me. But I will continue to use the term, as I feel my experience of it has indeed taught me much about what the term means as a contract or institution, and definitively changed my view regarding its usage.

I think if I were to speak generally, and sum up my thoughts on the matter, it would be to say that I am far less interested in marriage, then I am in honest and sincere relationships, and that marriage only remains relevant to me in the way that it serves the latter. If it succeeds in doing so, then I am for it, but such is not always the case.

To speak from my experience, the act of marriage, or perhaps even the decision to be married signified a commitment to our relationship. For a long time my commitment was wavering and in the act of proposing I solidified and decided upon that commitment for myself.

Unusually enough this is not necessarily the norm. People enjoy committed relationships with the need to signal or institutionalize such actions. And many people who do partake in marriage do so out of a desire to celebrate as opposed to affirm/commit. There is no prescriptive way to define what every marriage is, because what marriage is comes down to who’s in it.

And this I think is one of my biggest ‘beefs’ with more religious and traditional conventions of marriage; you can’t be prescriptive with relationships. People are too complicated and volatile to overly predefine them in the roles of husband and wife, especially as espoused by the more traditional and conservative views of marriage. And the expectations and standards that marriage demands of sexual expression is so unrealistic and short-sighted that from me it demands another whole post.

There is so much in the way of advice when it comes to Christian Marriage, which is the guise upon which me and my wife entered our bond, and I would argue that most of it is rubbish, for weak minds and personalities, and that screening the mountains of books for the few pearls of wisdom in between would be far too cumbersome a task.

(I occasionally read examples of what they consider to be a fulfilling relationship and I balk. They might be functional, but they are far from optimal.) Generally speaking they tend to be overly prescriptive, and whilst that can serve as a guide for many couples, I think that most (though not all) should have the maturity and intelligence to negotiate the roles between them themselves.

Marriage isn’t the end all of a relationship. Things matter more than a marriage, namely the relationship of the people in it, and just like any other relationship, they can suck big time. I have seen unions that have taken brilliants minds and personalities and anchor them down in mediocrity, and that is indeed marriage in its saddest form.

To sum up these scattered musings on marriage in our society:

Don’t worry about marriage, worry about the healthy and honest relationships.

If marriage helps you in this, with each other, with family, and/or with friends then by all means use it, but that is up to you and your partner(s).

To turn more inwardly and personal, I will now speak to my own marriage.

I will begin with a declaration of how incredible my wife is.

Bec is the love of my life, and my relationship with her now goes beyond the need for any convention. We have a commitment to help each other become the best that either of us can be, and I could not ask for a better partner to undertake that adventure with. No one knows me more fully, and there is little I fear to hide from her, even those things that I am tempted to hide from myself.

It is a relationship that I do not see mirrored much elsewhere. Though some might consider this to be a mean-spirited observation I will not shy from it. I have witnessed in my life many partnerships, many of which are highly successful, but few seem to contain this dedication to growth and maturity, this willingness to be so open and sincere, and were I not in it, I’d probably have difficulty believing that such intimacy between two people could exist.

But I must emphasize that reach such an incredible level of intimacy has been an incredibly difficult journey, requiring much introspection and growth on both our parts.

In fact it is difficult to recount the journey of our relationship without also accounting for the many experiences and introspection that lead to our own individual maturity and growth, as the two are so entwined for us.

I will begin with what so far has been the most important aspect in my next post.

For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec: Introduction and Contents

I have decided to write series of posts reflecting on the relationship I have with my spouse, the lovely Rebecca Thackray. I found that a lot of insight can be found in the testimony of others relationships, and by exploring the dynamics of theirs I have been able to improve my own.

It is my hope that whoever reads this might find something useful in it for their own relationships. Regardless, I have found it helpful to chronicle these things for the sake of clarity in my own mind.

I shall update the contents page as I finish each section.

to chronicle these things for the sake of clarity in my own mind.

I shall update the contents page as I finish each section.

Contents:

1. Marriage
2. The Sex Part
3. Dealing with Reality
4. Growth Together
5. What we are
6. Conclusion