it's quarter past 12. I've just spent the past 4-5 hours on the computer doing some cool meaningless stuff, until the last hour upon which I watched Simon Amstell's numb.
It struck a chord.
I have work in about 7 hours. digging up dirt. Not that fun.

but i need distraction. I need to get so busy I forget that none of it means anything. It's a horrible thing to be so aware of how little you are and how empty it all is.

I hate it! I just care so little about anything. I have passion for nothing. I'm just the most uninteresting man in the world right now and it kills me because I once had a fire. Now I'm just this bleak blank face who just does not give a fuck.

I need to hurry up and reach this cruise. Then, I can have some fun and after that, I can do something. anything...

Well back in Sydney. And the first few days have been....quite good.

I've been focusing on getting busy. With sport, social stuff, family, work. And that's really going in my favour. I've got work tomorrow! Its likely boring ass labourer hole-digging rubbish but I'm still actually really excited about it. WORK! straight forward money earning work. freakin awesome.

Not getting over excited but just trying to keep at it and I think in the next 6 months I can be happy.

And that, well that'd be something quite special...

Considering that any Christian who takes their faith even half seriously will define themselves by it, it seems normal that I would be so defined by my apostasy. And I am quite deeply. And it sucks.

I feel like that journey was such a trial for me. A marathon of uncertain inquiry that built up within me a fearless passion and desire for truth and the resilience to handle its prickly cruel nature.

What useless qualities they have proven to be.

Even as I consider them to be among the best of me, I look at the daily habits that my life is reduced to and therein it has not served me well. 

For what good is truth in killing the hours? In providing a sense of worth? In creating wealth and family?

There isn't a lot of need in these worlds for someone like me.
No one has been cruel to me, but I have never felt so unwanted and unneeded. I am a very lost person right now, and its scary to be so without direction or purpose.
I hope this is temporary. To be caught in transistion between the isolated chambers of Ballarat and the timewarp of Sydney is not something I really relish.

I'm sad because nothing is home at the moment. I'm just lost.

Overkill on the melodrama. Its probably not that bad, and things will likely get a lot better. It has just been....difficult.

I can fix this.