I'm a point now where I look at opposition to this in derision. The issue isn't really that complicated. Those who say it is are usually seeking refuge in shrouds of ambiguity in an attempt to cloud out what is usually at its heart: bigotry. Subtle, ignorant, self-righteous bigotry.
I've taken the journey with this topic. I've seen the push and pull, the for and against. More importantly though i think I've seen what it means for its victims. There's an ugly cruelty to denying one person's love for another, to label genuine desire to care and love and commit as anything less than what it is. Unfortunately its those who claim to abhor such behavior are the ones who most perpetrate it. Namely, the Church.
It is a consequence of ignorance. They do not understand them, so they fear them. If they understood them, they could not continue to perceive their actions as loving. If they are not loving than they are hypocrites.
I am at a point now where I realize it is not enough to sit idle about this. That there are too many good and kind people I know who are on the wrong side of this issue because they do not understand it, and will happily meander there until something jolts them into thought. Into empathy. Into doing the right thing.
I have to be the change that I want to see.
I will be.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I want to blog about politics.
At least mostly.
I want to blog about politics. And
sometimes religion and philosophy, reason, logic, human behavior and
psychology, and other things.
For a few reasons.
Firstly, I find this stuff fascinating. It’s
interesting in its own right.
Secondly, it’s relevant. This is the stuff
that makes up our society. It’s good to know.
And thirdly, whilst I’m not qualified in
any of the above, I think I know how to think better than most people. My
approach on most matters seeks to minimize bias, understand different
perceptions and make the most educated estimate according to my limited
knowledge. Basically, I logic better.
And I think it’s in that third place where
my ideas become useful. We have an abundance of information, but no one has any
idea what to do with it, or how to use it. I think I’m alright at that part, so
I’m going to share how I do it.
So no clever names. No mincing words. Just
me looking at stuff that goes on in the world, and taking it for what it is.
So watch this space.
So watch this space.
Friday, September 14, 2012
I wrote resurrection a while ago...
Months before I posted it actually.
But this I wrote today.
Today I was riled up with righteous anger. That hasn't happened to me in a long time. And as usual it comes in the form of wanting people to discover how stupid they are and making them smarter. Alas achieving such a task is tricky even at the best of times.
The problem with this energy though is that I don't have any healthy outlets for it. I don't see enough people I can really engage with on any meaningful level, and facebook can be a dangerous place for such discourse. Perhaps I need to email people more. That is probably the most healthy option.
I think its a challenge that I need to spend more time dwelling upon, and pouring some energy into. I think the task is somewhat daunting though, which naturally progresses towards apathy. But I must remember that change is often gradual, and that I must take pleasure in all my little accomplishments.
But this I wrote today.
Today I was riled up with righteous anger. That hasn't happened to me in a long time. And as usual it comes in the form of wanting people to discover how stupid they are and making them smarter. Alas achieving such a task is tricky even at the best of times.
The problem with this energy though is that I don't have any healthy outlets for it. I don't see enough people I can really engage with on any meaningful level, and facebook can be a dangerous place for such discourse. Perhaps I need to email people more. That is probably the most healthy option.
I think its a challenge that I need to spend more time dwelling upon, and pouring some energy into. I think the task is somewhat daunting though, which naturally progresses towards apathy. But I must remember that change is often gradual, and that I must take pleasure in all my little accomplishments.
Resurrection
I return to the keyboard.
Stay a while and listen.
I'm tired already just thinking about what to put up here. I feel like I have everything and nothing to say in this particular space. How do I clean out the cobwebs?
I'll address some of my last posts. Then afterwards I'll put up some recent articles I launched into the void of facebook.
I feel better.
This depression sucked the big one but I think it got some things done. Brought some clarity into what was becoming a very hazy place. I feel in control in a way I haven't before. I feel like I've got options. Its a nice feeling.
Anyway I'm back to who I was, albeit less hopeful and ambitious. I think that's okay. I think it might be normal to wake up and realize how ordinary you are. I'm at peace with that. I can totally live with not being special, provided I'm enjoying myself at the time.
Its been 7 months now in Ballarat. I don't know what to make of it but I'm tired of trying. Just one day at a time.
I'm tired of reflecting. tired of trying to narrate the random sequence of events that is my life. Its a poor habit that doesn't get much done.
And I'm exhausted of not getting much done. I want to get something done. Anything.
A job just sounds glorious to me right now. Any old thing. To just work, earn money, and have some control to do things. Its amazing to me that that is really all I aspire to do right now. Forget the future, forget writing, forget journalism, forget changing the world. Just give me a job with some money and I'll be content.
Anyway what a useless post to comeback with. I'm not going to post this until I've written up something worthwhile.
The patter of the keyboard is refreshing though.
Stay a while and listen.
I'm tired already just thinking about what to put up here. I feel like I have everything and nothing to say in this particular space. How do I clean out the cobwebs?
I'll address some of my last posts. Then afterwards I'll put up some recent articles I launched into the void of facebook.
I feel better.
This depression sucked the big one but I think it got some things done. Brought some clarity into what was becoming a very hazy place. I feel in control in a way I haven't before. I feel like I've got options. Its a nice feeling.
Anyway I'm back to who I was, albeit less hopeful and ambitious. I think that's okay. I think it might be normal to wake up and realize how ordinary you are. I'm at peace with that. I can totally live with not being special, provided I'm enjoying myself at the time.
Its been 7 months now in Ballarat. I don't know what to make of it but I'm tired of trying. Just one day at a time.
I'm tired of reflecting. tired of trying to narrate the random sequence of events that is my life. Its a poor habit that doesn't get much done.
And I'm exhausted of not getting much done. I want to get something done. Anything.
A job just sounds glorious to me right now. Any old thing. To just work, earn money, and have some control to do things. Its amazing to me that that is really all I aspire to do right now. Forget the future, forget writing, forget journalism, forget changing the world. Just give me a job with some money and I'll be content.
Anyway what a useless post to comeback with. I'm not going to post this until I've written up something worthwhile.
The patter of the keyboard is refreshing though.
Monday, May 14, 2012
structure, routine, family and stuff
I'm a little messed up, that much is obvious. What's been really fun is examining why I'm this way.
Family especially.
The whole thing where I had to give up my faith had so many more implications than I thought it would. Initially I was concerned about all the existential things, meaning of life crap, heaven, hell etc. More and more I realize how little those things matter now....to anyone. Especially Christians. Or any religion for that matter.
Because when I left the conventions and communities of my former faith, I had very little to replace them with. Culture provides so many avenues of expression, or construction, or building, and surviving. I lack culture really. The world I grew up in was a lie. An extremely useful one. Unfortunately I made the error of realizing it was a lie before I realized it was useful. And lies are useless once you realize them.
So I have to build my own: Try to take the best of what I've know and make something for myself. I'm terrible at this. And its fucking lonely. You realize how far apart people truly are when you don't have some convention to rely on.
I've made some good friends at my uni, and I know they're quality people. Yet genuine connection comes with great difficulty. There's not enough avenues for expression that is sincere and easy to understand. Its laborious.
The lie of Christianity holds within it great motivation for people to get a long and dabble in some good here and there. But the potential of reality is unending! Alas for me it is not reality that holds me back. Its my own shitty shitness. I'm a lazy fuck. The beauty of this Secular reality, for which I am ever grateful, is wasted on my lazy ass.
I have so much regret. If only I had known, I would have never done so many things, and the few things I would've done I would've done so much sooner.
I have so much regret and I'm so exhausted from living in it.
I feel like there's some hope that I might salvage something from this wreck. Others might see it as sinking to the bottom of the pit, whereas I see it as my only way out.
Family especially.
The whole thing where I had to give up my faith had so many more implications than I thought it would. Initially I was concerned about all the existential things, meaning of life crap, heaven, hell etc. More and more I realize how little those things matter now....to anyone. Especially Christians. Or any religion for that matter.
Because when I left the conventions and communities of my former faith, I had very little to replace them with. Culture provides so many avenues of expression, or construction, or building, and surviving. I lack culture really. The world I grew up in was a lie. An extremely useful one. Unfortunately I made the error of realizing it was a lie before I realized it was useful. And lies are useless once you realize them.
So I have to build my own: Try to take the best of what I've know and make something for myself. I'm terrible at this. And its fucking lonely. You realize how far apart people truly are when you don't have some convention to rely on.
I've made some good friends at my uni, and I know they're quality people. Yet genuine connection comes with great difficulty. There's not enough avenues for expression that is sincere and easy to understand. Its laborious.
The lie of Christianity holds within it great motivation for people to get a long and dabble in some good here and there. But the potential of reality is unending! Alas for me it is not reality that holds me back. Its my own shitty shitness. I'm a lazy fuck. The beauty of this Secular reality, for which I am ever grateful, is wasted on my lazy ass.
I have so much regret. If only I had known, I would have never done so many things, and the few things I would've done I would've done so much sooner.
I have so much regret and I'm so exhausted from living in it.
I feel like there's some hope that I might salvage something from this wreck. Others might see it as sinking to the bottom of the pit, whereas I see it as my only way out.
rock-bottom but the only way is up.
I've indulged the worst of my moodiness. It feels almost cleansing at times. I'm trying to ignore how disappointed I am in myself. I find if I appreciate the fact I return to my motive-less pit of depression. Constrictive wanksauce that it is.
I sleep way too much, I don't exercise at all, I hardly do house work, I spend up to 10 hours a day playing video games. This is my life at the moment. Its truly the most pathetic state I have ever been in.
But I don't feel terrible about that. I feel a bit more relaxed to be honest. Its revealed so much of myself. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Whom I should do it with?
The answers feel so much more achievable now I've reduced them to the baby steps above the zero upon which I currently reside.
Me and Bec are moving towards a temporary separation. Our relationship isn't bad. In fact it's great. We've been really honest to each other, and truly care for each other, but I can't resolve to be in this marriage how it is now forever. I feel so claustrophobic at times, and it does so much to sap my motivation. I think so much of my apathy stems from this resignation. Logically it doesn't add up, but its just how it is.
It really sucks. You'd figure that love would be enough for two people to be happy. Not even nearly. I'm so grateful to Bec that she understands all this, and that she's supporting me in all this, even though it pains her considerably. I tried to avail her that, to simply wear my cross, but the pleasant facade wasn't convincing enough, and she saw through to those dark crying parts of me. And she reached and said 'its okay.'
What a woman! Very few people will understand why I need this, and many will think less of me for it. It is a testament to her character and compassion that she is not among them.
It gives of a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep me moving. I feel excited to be on my own again. Finally. Freedom in a much more truer sense. Freedom.
So I am at rock-bottom at the moment. Seriously, it's 3:20Am. I have uni tomorrow. I opened the required reading and didn't read it. that's how well I'm going. Diablo 3 will come along and exacerbate the problem too!
But I'm enjoying this. There are benefits to not expecting anything of yourself. It won't last forever. I will build again, but for now, I'm just going to take it one baby step at a time, and the rest: whatevs. come what may.
That first step is a job. I'm tired of being poor as balls. And it sucks. Getting a job is currently the most infuriating thing in my life, and since its the only thing I'm worried about every rejection is a massive stab in the heart. Bloody hell I really just need a job.
So basically, don't expect much from me. I'll do better than this, eventually, but how much better? I don't care anymore. Don't hold your breath for anything fantastic. I'm not anymore. It hurt to let that go, but I just don't believe in myself anymore. But baby steps, and just maybe I might do something half-decent at some point in my life.
I sleep way too much, I don't exercise at all, I hardly do house work, I spend up to 10 hours a day playing video games. This is my life at the moment. Its truly the most pathetic state I have ever been in.
But I don't feel terrible about that. I feel a bit more relaxed to be honest. Its revealed so much of myself. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Whom I should do it with?
The answers feel so much more achievable now I've reduced them to the baby steps above the zero upon which I currently reside.
Me and Bec are moving towards a temporary separation. Our relationship isn't bad. In fact it's great. We've been really honest to each other, and truly care for each other, but I can't resolve to be in this marriage how it is now forever. I feel so claustrophobic at times, and it does so much to sap my motivation. I think so much of my apathy stems from this resignation. Logically it doesn't add up, but its just how it is.
It really sucks. You'd figure that love would be enough for two people to be happy. Not even nearly. I'm so grateful to Bec that she understands all this, and that she's supporting me in all this, even though it pains her considerably. I tried to avail her that, to simply wear my cross, but the pleasant facade wasn't convincing enough, and she saw through to those dark crying parts of me. And she reached and said 'its okay.'
What a woman! Very few people will understand why I need this, and many will think less of me for it. It is a testament to her character and compassion that she is not among them.
It gives of a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep me moving. I feel excited to be on my own again. Finally. Freedom in a much more truer sense. Freedom.
So I am at rock-bottom at the moment. Seriously, it's 3:20Am. I have uni tomorrow. I opened the required reading and didn't read it. that's how well I'm going. Diablo 3 will come along and exacerbate the problem too!
But I'm enjoying this. There are benefits to not expecting anything of yourself. It won't last forever. I will build again, but for now, I'm just going to take it one baby step at a time, and the rest: whatevs. come what may.
That first step is a job. I'm tired of being poor as balls. And it sucks. Getting a job is currently the most infuriating thing in my life, and since its the only thing I'm worried about every rejection is a massive stab in the heart. Bloody hell I really just need a job.
So basically, don't expect much from me. I'll do better than this, eventually, but how much better? I don't care anymore. Don't hold your breath for anything fantastic. I'm not anymore. It hurt to let that go, but I just don't believe in myself anymore. But baby steps, and just maybe I might do something half-decent at some point in my life.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
venting and stuff.
In my life I have vastly under appreciated the importance of discipline. Obviously.
I always figured that there was an ideal life I should be living, and that it was just a matter of lining up my life accordingly. Turns out to be quite a backward way of doing it.
I see now that for me, what's more important is to see the life I'm living now, and just seeking to do bits of better, improving it here and there slowly but surely, until I just wake up and realize I'm living the ideal life.
I just need to get on with it; that here and there stuff. I also need to work out what that here and there stuff is. It doesn't even need to be complicated or grandiose, or fancy. It just needs to be something that's in front of me, that I can enjoy and work hard at. Uni works sometimes.
I need a fucking job. Its disheartening how difficult I'm finding it to get one. Not just because of how little responses I'm receiving but also just how out my depth I feel. Its like my resume must say 'Is a lazy dick' on it or something. I just can't put a finger on why I'm not getting any calls and its pissing me off. I'm thinking its probably mostly hours and uni and what not.
But still! Whys it so hard? Its got me anxious.
This is all pretty frustrating to be honest. There's personal things going on to that are just a fucking worldton of bullshit. Stuff that isn't anyone's fault either. Its just how a few coins have landed and they really suck some serious ass. And its pretty full on and complicated so its not like I can talk to anyone about it either. Not here in Ballarat anyways, and not face to face. And there's no way I could really lay this out if it weren't face to face and with someone that knew me well, and whose judgement I trusted. Its massively debilitating.
I'm at a place in my life that is just grossly frustrating and infuriating. I'm furious at myself for how much I overestimated myself. I'm just in this awkward life that isn't me in the slightest, and its just so super duper claustrophobic. I cant breath sometimes.
I think I'm less depressed about it than I was. I've come to terms of sorts with this suffocation I wrought upon myself.
This blog has become a diary in which to vent. I'm sorry if anyone reads this, I just have nothing else at the moment, so if I don't write here, it'll just bottle up even more and come out in some dangerous way.
So dark. So macarbe. Makes me feel so lame. I've been feeling pretty lame for a long time now actually. I'm just weaksauce. How pussy is that?/
I just need to find one thing, something useful, something challenging, something that makes at least some money, that I can just do.
Enough! I tire of my own bleargh.
I always figured that there was an ideal life I should be living, and that it was just a matter of lining up my life accordingly. Turns out to be quite a backward way of doing it.
I see now that for me, what's more important is to see the life I'm living now, and just seeking to do bits of better, improving it here and there slowly but surely, until I just wake up and realize I'm living the ideal life.
I just need to get on with it; that here and there stuff. I also need to work out what that here and there stuff is. It doesn't even need to be complicated or grandiose, or fancy. It just needs to be something that's in front of me, that I can enjoy and work hard at. Uni works sometimes.
I need a fucking job. Its disheartening how difficult I'm finding it to get one. Not just because of how little responses I'm receiving but also just how out my depth I feel. Its like my resume must say 'Is a lazy dick' on it or something. I just can't put a finger on why I'm not getting any calls and its pissing me off. I'm thinking its probably mostly hours and uni and what not.
But still! Whys it so hard? Its got me anxious.
This is all pretty frustrating to be honest. There's personal things going on to that are just a fucking worldton of bullshit. Stuff that isn't anyone's fault either. Its just how a few coins have landed and they really suck some serious ass. And its pretty full on and complicated so its not like I can talk to anyone about it either. Not here in Ballarat anyways, and not face to face. And there's no way I could really lay this out if it weren't face to face and with someone that knew me well, and whose judgement I trusted. Its massively debilitating.
I'm at a place in my life that is just grossly frustrating and infuriating. I'm furious at myself for how much I overestimated myself. I'm just in this awkward life that isn't me in the slightest, and its just so super duper claustrophobic. I cant breath sometimes.
I think I'm less depressed about it than I was. I've come to terms of sorts with this suffocation I wrought upon myself.
This blog has become a diary in which to vent. I'm sorry if anyone reads this, I just have nothing else at the moment, so if I don't write here, it'll just bottle up even more and come out in some dangerous way.
So dark. So macarbe. Makes me feel so lame. I've been feeling pretty lame for a long time now actually. I'm just weaksauce. How pussy is that?/
I just need to find one thing, something useful, something challenging, something that makes at least some money, that I can just do.
Enough! I tire of my own bleargh.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
progressive thoughts
I'm updating a lot less. I guess that reflects a lot of the change I've been undergoing lately.
I've re-evaluated a lot of my ambitions. I think Ballarat hit me with a large dose realism. The main being that I have untenable laziness, that will sabotage me as long as I let it. This has been an extremely difficult thing to realize. I always knew it was there, but the degree with which it impaired me was a surprise.
Coming to terms with all that and its implications, as well as being in Ballarat, and trying to settle in and meet people and have a new life, and find a job, and well...all that crap has been exhausting.
But I've started somewhat afresh. From scratch in a sense. Sort of what I should've been doing 3 months ago. I'm much more tentative about what I'm capable of, and so I'm just building things up slowly, and just trying to make new things happen.
New things:
LARF volunteer work. Fortnightly I'll (hopefully) be joining a youth group for troubled kids. Possibly weekly in the future. Yet to be determined. I've been doing training at the moment, and I've been super impressed with the establishment so far. The coordinator is an extremely focused individual, who sets a high bar but gives you all the resources and support to reach it. The training has been super comprehensive, and even though I've had a lot of experience with youth groups and camps etc I was encountering things I had to re-think, or just hadn't even though of. Its thorough and direct, and I'll say again that I am super impressed by it. I'm excited to see where this goes, and that I have a positive way to use my time that will benefit others, but also allow me to connect with others, especially people who are doing volunteer work.
I'm considering joining the army reserve. I lack discipline and this is something that will shove a boot up my ass. If I can't defeat this laziness it will plague me for the rest of my life, and I feel like this is a way I can deal with it, whilst also serving my country, picking up heaps of skills and throw myself into something new and exciting.
Still giving it thought but the more I think about it, the more keen I am.
Bec mentioned baby-fostering. That's insane when I think about it, but also really exciting. I feel like Bec and I could be really good at that type of job, especially Bec with her passion and knowledge when it comes to baby development. We only really talked a little about it tonight, but I think its something we'll definitely mull over some more.
I'm letting a lot of things slide. Case in point is this blog. I will update when I want, but beyond that whatever. I've spent too much time planning, and aiming, and not nearly enough time doing. I'm just going to do what I want to do, in the immediate, and then see where that leads me, rather than think I should do this or that. I'm simplifying I guess.
So, thats about it. a lot of me is changing but I feel more positive about it this time round. Its change I really believe in. its plausible. and that feels good.
I've re-evaluated a lot of my ambitions. I think Ballarat hit me with a large dose realism. The main being that I have untenable laziness, that will sabotage me as long as I let it. This has been an extremely difficult thing to realize. I always knew it was there, but the degree with which it impaired me was a surprise.
Coming to terms with all that and its implications, as well as being in Ballarat, and trying to settle in and meet people and have a new life, and find a job, and well...all that crap has been exhausting.
But I've started somewhat afresh. From scratch in a sense. Sort of what I should've been doing 3 months ago. I'm much more tentative about what I'm capable of, and so I'm just building things up slowly, and just trying to make new things happen.
New things:
LARF volunteer work. Fortnightly I'll (hopefully) be joining a youth group for troubled kids. Possibly weekly in the future. Yet to be determined. I've been doing training at the moment, and I've been super impressed with the establishment so far. The coordinator is an extremely focused individual, who sets a high bar but gives you all the resources and support to reach it. The training has been super comprehensive, and even though I've had a lot of experience with youth groups and camps etc I was encountering things I had to re-think, or just hadn't even though of. Its thorough and direct, and I'll say again that I am super impressed by it. I'm excited to see where this goes, and that I have a positive way to use my time that will benefit others, but also allow me to connect with others, especially people who are doing volunteer work.
I'm considering joining the army reserve. I lack discipline and this is something that will shove a boot up my ass. If I can't defeat this laziness it will plague me for the rest of my life, and I feel like this is a way I can deal with it, whilst also serving my country, picking up heaps of skills and throw myself into something new and exciting.
Still giving it thought but the more I think about it, the more keen I am.
Bec mentioned baby-fostering. That's insane when I think about it, but also really exciting. I feel like Bec and I could be really good at that type of job, especially Bec with her passion and knowledge when it comes to baby development. We only really talked a little about it tonight, but I think its something we'll definitely mull over some more.
I'm letting a lot of things slide. Case in point is this blog. I will update when I want, but beyond that whatever. I've spent too much time planning, and aiming, and not nearly enough time doing. I'm just going to do what I want to do, in the immediate, and then see where that leads me, rather than think I should do this or that. I'm simplifying I guess.
So, thats about it. a lot of me is changing but I feel more positive about it this time round. Its change I really believe in. its plausible. and that feels good.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
new-ness
Back from Sydney, feeling a bit more together, a bit more like myself again. I'm fortunate to have some ridiculously awesome people to share my life with up there. I think when I moved down here I overestimated my own abilities, and did not pay enough credit to the abilities and support of the people around me.
I've realized some big decisions need to be made. Like what course do I want to study.
I'm disenchanted with my current course in writing. It feels....irrelevant. There are things I like about it, but there's nothing in there that I feel really challenges me, or inspires me.
And I realize now the need for a challenge.
I think I will aim to pick up a few random units next semester, and then looking at transitioning into a different course next year. I have no idea which one, but I want something a bit more full on.
My immediate concern however is the bundle of assessments due this week that I have spent entirely inadequate amounts of time on.
But beyond that what was happening previously was untenable. Gotta mix some shit up and start kickin some ass.
I've realized some big decisions need to be made. Like what course do I want to study.
I'm disenchanted with my current course in writing. It feels....irrelevant. There are things I like about it, but there's nothing in there that I feel really challenges me, or inspires me.
And I realize now the need for a challenge.
I think I will aim to pick up a few random units next semester, and then looking at transitioning into a different course next year. I have no idea which one, but I want something a bit more full on.
My immediate concern however is the bundle of assessments due this week that I have spent entirely inadequate amounts of time on.
But beyond that what was happening previously was untenable. Gotta mix some shit up and start kickin some ass.
Friday, April 6, 2012
bleak
sad post today.
I've more or less diagnosed myself with mild depression.
I'm not sure on the details, I don't really trust myself to make ends meet of all that's going on with me at the moment. All I know is there every now and then I get this heaviness on me that makes it difficult to breath. to act. to do anything really. Its quite debilitating.
I'm just not happy here. I can feel the tunnel vision starting to come into play too. Not really caring about uni-work, or people, or writing or gaming or anything.
I'm not sure what to point at either. I love my wife, but I hate being a husband let alone being in a marriage/serious relationship, I like writing, but the more I learn about the writing industry the less I like about it, I'm isolated from friends and family, but I'm not sure how having them around would help me get my act together. I want to make all my own decisions for once, but I'm terrified of how useless I'll end up being.
I know I'm smart, but I'm so fucking lazy, and I just can't seem to beat that out me, as close as I've gotten at times.
I just don't believe in myself in anymore.
The decisions I've made for myself, even when I've tried to the right thing haven't really gotten me anywhere I'd really like to be. Or maybe it's the decisions I failed to make for myself.
I used to think there was something in me worth squeezing out. Not so much anymore, if at all. Now I just feel lame...really lame.
I resent myself for letting things to get to this point. I hate how I let so much just happen that I really shouldn't have let happen. I think I might hate myself for the life I've chosen for myself.
And I can't fix it. Not without hurting and disappointing those whom I care for most in this life.
And I just don't think I'm worth that.
I'm not happy :(
I've more or less diagnosed myself with mild depression.
I'm not sure on the details, I don't really trust myself to make ends meet of all that's going on with me at the moment. All I know is there every now and then I get this heaviness on me that makes it difficult to breath. to act. to do anything really. Its quite debilitating.
I'm just not happy here. I can feel the tunnel vision starting to come into play too. Not really caring about uni-work, or people, or writing or gaming or anything.
I'm not sure what to point at either. I love my wife, but I hate being a husband let alone being in a marriage/serious relationship, I like writing, but the more I learn about the writing industry the less I like about it, I'm isolated from friends and family, but I'm not sure how having them around would help me get my act together. I want to make all my own decisions for once, but I'm terrified of how useless I'll end up being.
I know I'm smart, but I'm so fucking lazy, and I just can't seem to beat that out me, as close as I've gotten at times.
I just don't believe in myself in anymore.
The decisions I've made for myself, even when I've tried to the right thing haven't really gotten me anywhere I'd really like to be. Or maybe it's the decisions I failed to make for myself.
I used to think there was something in me worth squeezing out. Not so much anymore, if at all. Now I just feel lame...really lame.
I resent myself for letting things to get to this point. I hate how I let so much just happen that I really shouldn't have let happen. I think I might hate myself for the life I've chosen for myself.
And I can't fix it. Not without hurting and disappointing those whom I care for most in this life.
And I just don't think I'm worth that.
I'm not happy :(
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
dubstep and the spread of music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=CS5gr3T2gPI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=md1QECWVRHs
What started it all (for me anyway):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSeNSzJ2-Jw
What's also interesting is seeing the reverse process of this music - undubbing or whatever you would call it, carried out in classical covers, on piano or whatever. There's something about dubstep's synthesizing that bypasses a lot of the regular conventions of creating music. The peculiarities of its tones and what can be done with them are near impossible to explore without the computer programs to do so.
So when you do hear the piano iteration, or the classical take or what have you, you can hear this approach to sound that is much less organic but that much more original come out in the mix
Few people are ever going to pick up an acoustic guitar and come up with an original dubstep drop and think it sounds great. It doesn't translate well.
But when people hear a song, and attempt to replicate that with their own human style and nuances, I think you really see new ground being broken.
Case in point:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=felcGl-Jam0&src_vid=TmJ2QRGghtY&annotation_id=annotation_658577&feature=iv
I also love the way this music has taken off. Youtube and other online sources have allowed people to enjoy whatever music they like without all the sub-cultural attachments. Its reducing music back to its purity; the way it sounds. Its judged on its merits rather than its cultural and status signalling. You don't have to smoke pot to listen to Bob Marely, you don't have to be black to listen to 50 cent, you don't have to be old to listen to Wagner, you don't have to be a teenager to enjoy Katy Perry.
The complete separation of the two is an impossibility of course. A song contains too much of the world in it to be reduced to just pure sound. But to be able to bypass all the conventions of genre has made different sounds accessible in a way that is unprecedented.
For music, whatever your into, you live in the perfect era. There is no sound left untapped, no music you cannot find, no music you cannot listen too. This is musical utopia.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Up at 5:30AM....
I dropped of Bec at the station, so she might voyage into the old realm. I envy her.
Although meanwhile the house is mine. ALL MINE! I'm going to sleep all around that bed of mine.
Last night I had quite an experience. This
A night with the Arts community.
A bizarre outing. Two fellow students and I did such on a whim, and were greeted to an eccentric bunch of what could best fit the description 'artsy fartsy' types. Thoroughly diverse they were, with musicians, ultra-flamboyant actors, writers, photographers, goth families, lovely older gents and ladies, and a little dog running around, socializing around a BBQ, listening to artistic audio. The highlight were these gents:
There was something about their ancient/folky style; the cleanliness of tone, and deepness of their baritone. It felt like history was echoing itself into the modern age. It filled the room with a sense of aged sentiment; a rare experience.
It many ways it reminded me of old church barbeques, many community aspects bearing similarities, but with a much more open frame of mind, probably to the point where some brain was falling out.
It was such a strange experience. Here I was with two new friends, out in this weird family-like arts barbeque in some obscure country-ish town engaged in the eccentricities of artists, all out of nowhere. But I'm grateful for it. It revealed another portion of the massive woven tapestry that is human experience and helped me think in different ways.
Its crazy what people can do with their time when survival stops distracting them.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Kicked into gear
I had to kick my own ass yesterday. Too much of letting life happen to me. I don't know what managed to get a hold of me, but today I feel I've thrown off some of those asphyxiations. The tightness across my chest has lessened. I think the shackles of commitment had been weighing me down, and I had not taken the steps to redefine as I should have. Quite a convoluted journey, much more than I have the strength to process in day, but I'm feeling optimistic in what is a new sort of essential selfishness. In any case I'm actually doing some uni work. That remains a solid start.
I have to do more writing. This remains a burdensome truth in any sway. Not so much in urgency, but more in the fact that I do little constructive with my time as is. I don't build, and I get frustrated I haven't built so I don't build some more. A vicious cycle of sorts.
My workstation is also my playstation. Distractions come in great potency here, often walking in single file to shroud there numbers. I cannot remedy this unless I destroy those destructive habits.
But I Likeee themmmm.................
But writing is a habit also. One that becomes increasingly appealing. Perhaps it will become more enticing in due time.
I've been enjoying the recent iteration of Sherlock in my spare time. There's a cleverness to the writing that makes almost plausible at times. I enjoy speculating on the powers of deduction. I'd like to see some more tempered takes in action; deduction in reality, rather than embellished fiction. What potential lies therein? Let's Check It Out (with Steve Brule)
google Steve Brule. now.
Also this:
http://oneword.com/
Fun little experiment that's becoming with my fellow writers...
I feel better after writing this. I feel good in general. I've probably just been primed with this DOTA 2 invite...but I'd like to think its the writing.
I have to do more writing. This remains a burdensome truth in any sway. Not so much in urgency, but more in the fact that I do little constructive with my time as is. I don't build, and I get frustrated I haven't built so I don't build some more. A vicious cycle of sorts.
My workstation is also my playstation. Distractions come in great potency here, often walking in single file to shroud there numbers. I cannot remedy this unless I destroy those destructive habits.
But I Likeee themmmm.................
But writing is a habit also. One that becomes increasingly appealing. Perhaps it will become more enticing in due time.
I've been enjoying the recent iteration of Sherlock in my spare time. There's a cleverness to the writing that makes almost plausible at times. I enjoy speculating on the powers of deduction. I'd like to see some more tempered takes in action; deduction in reality, rather than embellished fiction. What potential lies therein? Let's Check It Out (with Steve Brule)
google Steve Brule. now.
Also this:
http://oneword.com/
Fun little experiment that's becoming with my fellow writers...
I feel better after writing this. I feel good in general. I've probably just been primed with this DOTA 2 invite...but I'd like to think its the writing.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Awesome picture
Courtesy of Lukeprog's website:
http://facingthesingularity.com/
a combination of Caspar David Friedrich's Wanderer above the Sea of Fog, and Mass Effect.
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