progressive thoughts

I'm updating a lot less. I guess that reflects a lot of the change I've been undergoing lately.

I've re-evaluated a lot of my ambitions. I think Ballarat hit me with a large dose realism. The main being that I have untenable laziness, that will sabotage me as long as I let it. This has been an extremely difficult thing to realize. I always knew it was there, but the degree with which it impaired me was a surprise.
Coming to terms with all that and its implications, as well as being in Ballarat, and trying to settle in and meet people and have a new life, and find a job, and well...all that crap has been exhausting.

But I've started somewhat afresh. From scratch in a sense. Sort of what I should've been doing 3 months ago. I'm much more tentative about what I'm capable of, and so I'm just building things up slowly, and just trying to make new things happen.

New things:

LARF volunteer work. Fortnightly I'll (hopefully) be joining a youth group for troubled kids. Possibly weekly in the future. Yet to be determined. I've been doing training at the moment, and I've been super impressed with the establishment so far. The coordinator is an extremely focused individual, who sets a high bar but gives you all the resources and support to reach it. The training has been super comprehensive, and even though I've had a lot of experience with youth groups and camps etc I was encountering things I had to re-think, or just hadn't even though of. Its thorough and direct, and I'll say again that I am super impressed by it. I'm excited to see where this goes, and that I have a positive way to use my time that will benefit others, but also allow me to connect with others, especially people who are doing volunteer work.

I'm considering joining the army reserve. I lack discipline and this is something that will shove a boot up my ass. If I can't defeat this laziness it will plague me for the rest of my life, and I feel like this is a way I can deal with it, whilst also serving my country, picking up heaps of skills and throw myself into something new and exciting.
Still giving it thought but the more I think about it, the more keen I am.

Bec mentioned baby-fostering. That's insane when I think about it, but also really exciting. I feel like Bec and I could be really good at that type of job, especially Bec with her passion and knowledge when it comes to baby development. We only really talked a little about it tonight, but I think its something we'll definitely mull over some more.

I'm letting a lot of things slide. Case in point is this blog. I will update when I want, but beyond that whatever. I've spent too much time planning, and aiming, and not nearly enough time doing. I'm just going to do what I want to do, in the immediate, and then see where that leads me, rather than think I should do this or that. I'm simplifying I guess.

So, thats about it. a lot of me is changing but I feel more positive about it this time round. Its change I really believe in. its plausible. and that feels good.

new-ness

Back from Sydney, feeling a bit more together, a bit more like myself again. I'm fortunate to have some ridiculously awesome people to share my life with up there. I think when I moved down here I overestimated my own abilities, and did not pay enough credit to the abilities and support of the people around me.

I've realized some big decisions need to be made. Like what course do I want to study.
I'm disenchanted with my current course in writing. It feels....irrelevant. There are things I like about it, but there's nothing in there that I feel really challenges me, or inspires me.
And I realize now the need for a challenge.
I think I will aim to pick up a few random units next semester, and then looking at transitioning into a different course next year. I have no idea which one, but I want something a bit more full on.

My immediate concern however is the bundle of assessments due this week that I have spent entirely inadequate amounts of time on.

But beyond that what was happening previously was untenable. Gotta mix some shit up and start kickin some ass.

bleak

sad post today.

I've more or less diagnosed myself with mild depression.

I'm not sure on the details, I don't really trust myself to make ends meet of all that's going on with me at the moment. All I know is there every now and then I get this heaviness on me that makes it difficult to breath. to act. to do anything really. Its quite debilitating.

I'm just not happy here. I can feel the tunnel vision starting to come into play too. Not really caring about uni-work, or people, or writing or gaming or anything.

I'm not sure what to point at either. I love my wife, but I hate being a husband let alone being in a marriage/serious relationship, I like writing, but the more I learn about the writing industry the less I like about it, I'm isolated from friends and family, but I'm not sure how having them around would help me get my act together. I want to make all my own decisions for once, but I'm terrified of how useless I'll end up being.
I know I'm smart, but I'm so fucking lazy, and I just can't seem to beat that out me, as close as I've gotten at times.
I just don't believe in myself in anymore.
The decisions I've made for myself, even when I've tried to the right thing haven't really gotten me anywhere I'd really like to be. Or maybe it's the decisions I failed to make for myself.
I used to think there was something in me worth squeezing out. Not so much anymore, if at all. Now I just feel lame...really lame.
I resent myself for letting things to get to this point. I hate how I let so much just happen that I really shouldn't have let happen. I think I might hate myself for the life I've chosen for myself.
And I can't fix it. Not without hurting and disappointing those whom I care for most in this life.
And I just don't think I'm worth that.

I'm not happy :(

i had stuff written up, but I don't even know anymore.