Me and Bec - Part 5: What we are and Conclusion

It is probably worth mentioning that the initial vows under which we were wed we have more or less abandoned. They are rooted in Christian tradition, and whilst we appreciate many of the values expressed therein, they were too far removed from our own experiences and perspectives for us to truly own them in our own marriage.

We did discuss renewing our vows, amending them to suit our relationship, and whilst we haven’t undertaken any such ceremony beyond sincere discussion, I feel that the commitment with which we hold each other does not necessitate words or verbal promise, and as stated before goes beyond the need for conventions passed down in previous tradition (though it is perhaps worth ritualizing in new/updated ones.)

And I will state what in words is simple but in practice so beautiful and deep, what our commitment is:

That will we seek to help each other to be the best that either of us can be, so that for each other, and for the world, we can give the best of ourselves.

In that there is no mention of happiness, comfort or peace, though they are all relevant, they are not the end goal for which we strive. This is how we love each other.

We would not be satisfied if we tried for anything less.

Conclusion:It is worth mentioning that everything written up until the conclusion was formed at the very end of 2011, and since then our relationship has undertaken many new things, not the least of which include a move to Victoria, full time work for Bec and study for myself. These have presented a whole new dynamic of challenges for us to face, and have forced us to evaluate our relationship from different lights, leading us to consider new solutions, new possibilities.
Whilst the future always remains unknown, but exciting, I can say confidently that I am better for Bec and she would attest the reverse is true, and the past few years together has contributed greatly to the individuals we are today. I am privileged to be in a place where transparency and honesty are our prerogative, and her understanding always humbles me.
What I've written here is but a taste of what has been. What will be could be far from anything I ever expected, but I trust in Bec's character that it will be good, and we will do what's best for each other.

For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Me and Bec - Part 4: Growth together

It has been a strange thing to toe the line between sensitivity to ones needs and the indulging of ones shortcomings, and the strength of Bec and my relationship comes from being able to do that well, though the skills again have not come to us easily.

It seems to be a natural part of human interaction, to skirt the issues that make others agitated and emotional, especially a society like ours, whose fear of social discourse tends to outweigh any desire for meaningful interaction.

And whilst it is the most uncomfortable thing to explore, nothing needs scrutiny like that which triggers our emotions. Rather than simply being points of unrest in our relationship, agitation now serves as an indicator for areas that need attention, for mature conviction rests on the faculties of truth and reason, a fact often obscured by heated argument and resentment. Such evaluation has served us well, bringing consistency and clarity to our persons.

For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Thoughts on "Will the Last Reporter Please Turn Out the Lights: The Collapse of Journalism and what can be done to fix it" - part 1

I’m currently meandering my way through another book as provided by Netna Nguyen.

This one, rather than being the work of a single author is actually a collection of articles written by many different journalists and analysts, each pertaining to the collapse of journalism.

This makes reading both easy and difficult. It’s divided into manageable chunks, but lacks and easy path through which to travel it, with much of the material overlapping.

Despite these difficulties the insights it offers into the current journalism framework are thoroughly intriguing. Here are some of the more interesting points I’ve had running through my head from what I’ve read so far:

The Rise of Print Media, and its failure to monetize itself online

One report briefly outlined how something as a common as the newspaper came into being, and how active it has been in shaping society, and vica versa, their impacts curious things to ponder, being so deep and diverse that one could read books worth just getting a grasp of it. It seemed like a great subject I’d like to study one day. 

More curious though was an outline of where Newspaper companies failed to make the jump to the internet in a way that ensured their survival. Their failure to charge for information is now the main reason that newspapers are failing left right and centre, advertising space not being enough to generate sufficient revenue. Still it would’ve been difficult for anyone to predict the turn of events that the internet would bring in those times.

And it’s curious to see what’s being suggested to remedy the situation, one contributor suggesting that the two largest outlets should collectively set up a pay-wall as soon as possible. One can imagine the backlash of such an action however, especially in the face of so many online outlets that provide their journalism for free.

But this leads somewhat onto another point that has been playing around in my head.

Good Journalism costs money

An idea I’ve never really stopped and considered. 

Good journalism takes time, resources, networking, agents, contacts, and people. It doesn’t just happen. And historically the only institutions capable of pulling these resources together, or to put it more simply, paying journalists, are the print media; Newspapers, magazines, etc. As these fail, so do the amount of full-time journalists. 

Add to this the increasing amount of online information sources that are built more on conjecture and opinion, and you get a significant impact on the industry’s quality. Who’s going to do the hard yards if no one’s going to pay them to?

The answer isn’t easy either, because talk can be cheap, and there are an increasing amount of people who are propagating information solely based on what their audience wants to hear.

Forced Learning

Another problem with the increasing number of news outlets is their ability to cater for individuals, or niche markets. Fewer news sources back in the times of newspapers, meant that the public was forced to read information that at least strives to be objective and factual. Now things are as partisan and disconnected as ever, as the public is permitted to meander around until they find an outlet that will indulge even the worst of ideas and views.

Some people need to be shown the counter-argument if they are to ever change their minds. Perspective is important for democracy, and that was more readily available or even forced onto people when they could not so easily pick their news source.

That will do for now. I’ll keep posting as I get through the articles. At the moment I’m about half way through the first section ‘The Crisis Unfolds’.
I recommend it for anyone curious about the world of journalism, or who might have a stake in it (which is most people).

Things of Late

Posting slowed down considerably as I departed on a 5 day stint to NSW, to attend a wedding, meet my newborn nephew and catch up with a whole bunch of people. The stay put a lot of different thoughts into my mind, many of which surprised me. To be able to just have so many more intentional conversations in such a short space of time really helped to draw a bigger picture of the world I know and the people therein.

I am fortunate. 

But the level of quality in these individuals has helped me realize the need to continue to bring things to the table. There was a desire within me right from the day I arrived to also get back down to B’Rat and get to work. I have around me friends and family who really make me want to be great. Who help me believe I can be great. And not in a shitty self-esteem generic sense.

When I started making a point of seeing through bullshit in life, it was hard because it shattered a lot of illusions I had. But the beauty in it is that you see really see the sincere stuff shine so much more.

Uni has begun in earnest. And I’m super keen. I’m feeling a keenness and focus that I’ve never felt before, and it really edifies my whole decision to give up the office space, and undertake something like this. I’m still getting settled into it all but that’s half the excitement. There is a big part of me that’s just glad I have space, time and a framework in which to write, even if the classes aren’t always super exciting. I’m just happy that this is what I’m doing with my life now.

Some random links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KLjgBLwH3Wc
this was super awesome. Really reaffirmed my desire to be healthy, and raised a lot of good conversation.

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/the-question/should--universities--teach--alternative--medicine-20120203-1qxb3.html#poll

more interesting health stuff. This article felt quite balanced compared to a lot that I’ve seen of late.

http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2012/02/02/the-case-for-the-legalisation-of-drugs/

Interesting topic raised on the Someplace with Substance facebook I started a while back on the legislation of drugs. I tend to be for it, but it brings with it a whole plethora of issues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUc_kATGgg

Tim Minchin is so candid. He offends quite necessarily.

Bit scattered today sorry, but still trying to get settled and my head back into things after coming back from NSW.

Me and Bec - Part 3: Dealing with Reality

(To whoever is reading, sorry I haven't posted lately. I have been away. Posting should resume as normal soon)

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I am thankful that I am with someone who agrees that a healthy relationship has nothing to do with indulging the vices of the other. I have seen many relationships whose bases rest on their ability to rationalize or disguise such things, but we strive to have none of that.

It is especially helpful for someone like me, who once was so apt at polishing my own bullshit that I was in dire need of someone who saw right through it.

The unfortunate fact is there are parts of people that for one reason or another we simply don’t like, parts that cannot even be aptly described by the terms right or wrong, and this rings full true in our relationship, whether it be my love of video games or the fact that my appreciation for the female form is not exclusive to my wife, or her high and low battle with chocolate, or complete disdain for video games. Coming to terms with facets of our personalities has been a very deliberate and systematic process, but we have never regretted such undertakings, and indeed found that by exploring these parts of ourselves and each other instead of resenting and avoiding them we have expanded our character and personality. From something as simple as increasing my appreciation of music I initially found distasteful, to learning to take health seriously and thus significantly improving my own quality of life, these steps in maturity stem from taking those inconvenient facets of reality seriously, instead of avoiding them.

For an active example for me personally, I always struggled with how my wife would interpret my strong appreciation for beautiful things of the female persuasion, and thus struggled between hiding the fact from her and repressing it within myself. And indeed when the admission was made, it caused some discomfort. However, in the honesty of such a moment, it has allowed for understanding and afforded her a deeper appreciation of the desires I had and the pains upon which it brought me. It also allowed her to distinguish insecurities about herself from my appreciation of others, and that there is no association therein.

Whilst the journey is ongoing, for us to reach a point of clarity and understanding in an area that can prove so volatile, especially considering our background that was steeped in values of monogamy, exclusivity, and hard lines on what constituted ‘sexual sin’, was not only a burden of our shoulders, but revealed to me just how deep and intimate our relationship could go. By examining and understanding those parts of each other that we found distasteful, we are afforded ourselves opportunities to explore and understand these things ourselves. We grow, not just in our relationship but also as whole persons.


For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Thoughts on The Spooky Art by Norman Mailer - Part 2

The book has lost a lot of its structure in its past few chapters but remains interesting as ever.

One particular topic he continues to iterate on refers to style and the way it affects and qualifies writing. It seems to define and distinguish one writer from the next but not entirely in a unique sense, as he notes exemplary writers whose styles will alter with every page. It seems such a thing that is paramount, yet flexible and even elusive at times. And for the amount of time he spends worrying about it, his advice to us is to not, a difficult task upon reflecting on his material.

It would appear to be something that I must consider, more so for the sake of consistency with other elements, but not so beyond that, for fear of sabotaging that which would come more organically. I can only assume that it is something that really needs to be experienced before it can be understood. At the moment I’m just grasping at smoke.

The way he talks about his lifestyle is a little discomforting. Its sounds very often lonely and painful, isolated, and deprived of balance and at times, reality. It seemed to swing with every novel he wrote, being consistently inconsistent. He likens the ‘novel’ to a relationship with ‘the bitch’; a surprisingly useful metaphor. The impression I get is that this type of work, novel-writing, is very relational, whether with the book itself, the characters within, or the trappings of the author’s own mind. But I consider the books I have read, wherein character relations feel truest, and the insight becomes understandable.

One other thing that surprised me was how little he regarded the importance of plot, and knowing plot for that matter. His argument was that plot limits character. Even the decisions of each character are already predetermined, there are severe limits in ways upon which they can take on lives of their own, wherein they can grow and change. He does not say it’s impossible, but that in his experience, good character generates good plot.

This one thing that concerns me that seems to pervade the entire book. There is an element of literary elitism. I hardly blame or resent him for it. I think it is unavoidable. There are fineries to the art of writing, particularly in fiction, that will be lost on the masses. His greatest works I hadn’t heard of until reading this book, at least not in the forefront of my mind, and I doubt that the sum of all his sales come even near that of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, in spite of their literary brilliance. For all this man’s insight, I can’t help but feel his work remains somewhat irrelevant, perhaps because he wants to create an incredible world rather than tell a story or communicate a message.  That isn’t to say it is irrelevant. I’m sure his impact on the literary world is profound and lasting, but beyond that what effect is there?

I’m learning much from this novelist, but I’m remaining cautious as to what I should adopt as the norm. I’m very young and inexperienced, in worlds apart, so I think certain trepidation is understandable. There’s a disconnection that I’m hoping to understand more as I complete the picture of who this man is.

That’s all for now. I’ve missed so much, but it’s still all floating around my head somewhere.  I do recommend that if you have any interest in novel-writing, or even writing in general, to have a look at this book.

I shall return pen to paper when I have covered a few more chapters. (That was a joke. I’m typing)
Part 1 can be found here.

Me and Bec - Part 2: The sex part (and thus the biggest, naturally)

For me the easiest place to begin is probably our sexual journey. It remains more prominent and fresh in my mind for a few reasons, namely that it has been a difficult and extremely frustrating journey for both of us, but also likely because of my fascination with sex and how interesting a thing it is in of itself, and also how enjoyable a past time I find it to be now.

I will greatly attest that chastity did not serve Bec and I well. The frustration, confusion and guilt that such ideology creates brought many hurdles into our relationship, most of which were unnecessary, and I would only ever advise it to the most unique of relationships.

In fact most of the Christian Values that we initially strove to maintain in regards to sexuality are ill wrought.  Whilst it serves as an attempt to control and leash something as volatile and potentially destructive as sex and sexual expression, it in doing so it can bring with it another set of equally destructive problems.

Generally speaking, what we learned about sex in Church and Christian circles was naive and unrealistic.

On the flip-side what I learned about sex from pornography, television and advertising wasn’t exactly consistent with reality either.

Looking back though, it’s no wonder our sexual union was so confusing. Educational sources regarding healthy sexual expression that are actually helpful and accurate are far too rare. (It is one reason I do not shirk from the subject, as the honest accounts of others are one of the few things that actually provided useful in our journey to compatibility).

Chastity turned what should have been an exciting time of sexual discovery into a guilt-ridden journey of frustration and confusion, as we sought to deny our bodies what was only healthy and natural for any normal human being. Such a situation made us hold marital consummation up as a light at the end of the tunnel, wherein the frustrations created by our desire would evaporate in the face of full permission.

That expectation turned to sore disappointment. For my wife, that serious commitment with which she held herself to sexual purity left her poorly equipped to carry a burden as heavy as a sexually fulfilling relationship. With only a rough idea of how to meet my sexual needs (men are generally speaking easier to please then ladies. One hand will do) and no idea as to what would meet her own, that which was meant to be a relief to us, a sacred reward after a long and difficult journey, turned into a maze of confusion and frustration. The consummation was nothing that our Christian upbringing had told us it would be. Instead of fulfillment we felt inadequate and cheated.

And whilst I cannot speak for my wife on the matter, It was quite possibly the biggest let down of my life. My sexuality has always been such a huge element of my personality and who I am as a person, and then for me to feel like I had failed in such an all-pervasive area had massive repercussions.

What followed was a harrowing sexual awakening for both of us. It felt like having to learn surgery when I was already being forced to practice it. It is for this reason I resent our decision to wait till marriage for sex. I think that in a healthy and caring relationship, sexual discovery happens more organically without the hard lines of religion dictating it. It provides room and time for people to evaluate their sexual experiences, and to negotiate each step as it comes, when those involved feel emotionally ready for it. Such a journey, for Bec and I, would have been intimate and exciting. Unfortunately that experience was robbed from us with feelings of guilt and frustration.

But we have been fortunate in spite of such circumstance, and I think it attests to our maturity and dedication to each other that we’re on our way to a place that is sexually fulfilling and intimate that also leaves much room for further growth and exploration. However the journey there has been, and continues to be at times, difficult, and even now I look back on much of it with regret. I would wish suffering we experienced upon that path upon no one. I feel there are far better paths to take.

To provide some more general thoughts surrounding sex and sexual expression:

Sex is awesome. It is a natural and incredibly awesome part of who you are, and understanding yourself sexually is just as important as understand yourself anywhere else.

The only advice that I feel that comfortably applies to everyone though is this:

Be honest.

With yourself, with your partner, with everyone, whether it be in marriage, friendships, or any other circumstance. No other part of your life needs honesty and sincerity like Sexuality does.

As a disclaimer though, my account and experience is not the only one out there, and what worked or didn’t work for me and my wife may or may not work for others. But it is for each to find what works best for them, according to their needs and wants, and I think it highly possible that our experience is somewhat more unique than others. However it is my hope that those who may be experiencing difficulties similar to ours may find insight or solace in this testimony.

It is true that I have spent great length on sexual aspect of our relationship, but it is that which has done so much to shape our relationship thus far, and thus deserves ample scrutiny and attention.

However now I will move on to other things worthy of mention next post.


For the Introduction and Contents Page Click Here.

Stephen Fry and Christopher Hitchens discussion on Blasphemy

I was fortunate enough the other day to stumble upon the audio of a joint interview of Stephen Fry and Christopher Hitchens regarding religious tolerance, reason, freedom of speech and of things pertaining. What followed was a wonderfully enlightening journey into two of the most brilliant minds. The audio can be found here on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT-CMwffSt4

As stated it is from the Guardian Hay Festival in 2005, so it is a little dated, but for me much of what they said remained relevant and insightful.

Many of my peers tend to have a short-sighted view on the characters of Fry, and more particularly, Hitchens, due to their religious persuasions. I know from experience that the word ‘atheist’, when worn as a proud label can do much to create certain presumptions in others. And the fault isn’t entirely theirs, as the label of atheist has been touted by some incredibly distasteful camps. But to examine the source of such labeling, and the agenda with which these gentlemen adopt it is most fascinating, because it is precise and deliberate.

The source of their ire for religion, more so Hitchens then Fry, stems from a deep and very real criticism of religions’ irksome faculties. The frank way with which they discuss their disdain for many of its practitioners’ actions reveal that there fight has little to do with God, and more to do with those who claim to follow him; a distinction that is too often forgotten. For in this framing, I would find that I strongly agree with them, as would many of my religious peers if they were to understand it in such a light.

However, where my criticism tends to depart itself from the likes of Hitchens’ is found in my familiar connection with the religious moderate, and I think Fry is in a place not too dissimilar. The moderates, among which I would count most of my religious friends, accommodate reality much more readily, to the point where distinctions exist more in the mind than in the applicable sense. This tends to create quite a healthy space for harmony and pacifism, bases upon which our more fragile and precious, if somewhat less complete, relationships may rest.

But pacifism does us a disservice in the face of dogmatic extremism. The adamant and convicted aggression of Hitchens is necessary in such cases, and it serves to protect values in our society that even those who brand themselves his adversaries cherish and uphold. Much is at stake when it comes to dealing with the dredges of the dogmatic, which are far more common then we realize and compromise still many facets of society, often there nourishing roots found in the placid moderate. Things like the oppression of women, anti-intellectualism, thought control, bullying. So many more need to rally in opposition to these things, instead of clouding the waters with their victimhood.

Removed from the cracked lens, I review the works of these gentlemen and I stand in awe of the heroes they are and were. They embody in the deepest sense values of greatness, nobility and reason and the more material I devour of theirs the more complete the picture becomes. I deeply regret that I failed to see Hitchens before he passed. But his ideas are immortal, and his cause has many champions. He leaves in his wake many flags to take up. A lion and a gentleman to the end, many didn’t like him, but he had far greater things to worry about then being liked.