Sunday, July 28, 2013

Alone

the worst pain isn't hunger,
it isn't freezing, or burning,
it isn't stabbing or slashing,
it isn't physical

it isn't confusion, or ignorance
it isn't being lost, or clueless,
it isn't not understanding

it isn't loss, the death of a friend,
it isn't the things that escaped your grasp,
it isn't the thing you once held.

it isn't anger, or revenge,
it isn't the bitterness or resentment,
it isn't the jealousy that eats inside,

the worst pain, the pain that doesn't bite,
doesn't sting, the pain that is always dull,
despairingly dull and numb,
that is always overwhelming -
that never fully goes away, that will always scare us - is lonliness

the greatest pain, is no one knowing, and no one caring,
it is when your life goes by with actions without meaning
for with lonliness, comes irrelevance, the realization that pain means nothing.
and that nothing, it consumes, it latches onto us like a parasite that we foster, that we hold onto, and pretend to find necessary.

For love we hunger, we burn, we freeze,
we humble, we confuse, we lose,
for love we forgive, we forget,
for love we live,


but for the lonliness, we nothing.

Restlessness

There's been some urges lately for me to go bigger and deeper.
Reconnecting in Sydney has been massive for me on so many levels. The people I'm seeing, the conversations I'm having, the stuff I'm doing. Its the little things that make up life. And they are nourishing.
But I think they are building blocks for bigger things.
I don't know yet what these things are. I look forward to them, but I dare not jeopardize those basic things that sustain me in the pursuit.
For now, to work, to play, to rest is enough. But I'm not sure for how long.
Too many times I finish my evenings in this late hour wondering what to do with myself. There's an answer somewhere I'm sure of it. I'd like to find it.

Monday, July 15, 2013

My happiness

is found the abundance of those I care for.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

it's quarter past 12. I've just spent the past 4-5 hours on the computer doing some cool meaningless stuff, until the last hour upon which I watched Simon Amstell's numb.
It struck a chord.
I have work in about 7 hours. digging up dirt. Not that fun.

but i need distraction. I need to get so busy I forget that none of it means anything. It's a horrible thing to be so aware of how little you are and how empty it all is.

I hate it! I just care so little about anything. I have passion for nothing. I'm just the most uninteresting man in the world right now and it kills me because I once had a fire. Now I'm just this bleak blank face who just does not give a fuck.

I need to hurry up and reach this cruise. Then, I can have some fun and after that, I can do something. anything...



Thursday, June 13, 2013

Well back in Sydney. And the first few days have been....quite good.

I've been focusing on getting busy. With sport, social stuff, family, work. And that's really going in my favour. I've got work tomorrow! Its likely boring ass labourer hole-digging rubbish but I'm still actually really excited about it. WORK! straight forward money earning work. freakin awesome.

Not getting over excited but just trying to keep at it and I think in the next 6 months I can be happy.

And that, well that'd be something quite special...

Monday, June 10, 2013

Considering that any Christian who takes their faith even half seriously will define themselves by it, it seems normal that I would be so defined by my apostasy. And I am quite deeply. And it sucks.
I feel like that journey was such a trial for me. A marathon of uncertain inquiry that built up within me a fearless passion and desire for truth and the resilience to handle its prickly cruel nature.
What useless qualities they have proven to be.
Even as I consider them to be among the best of me, I look at the daily habits that my life is reduced to and therein it has not served me well. 
For what good is truth in killing the hours? In providing a sense of worth? In creating wealth and family?
There isn't a lot of need in these worlds for someone like me.
No one has been cruel to me, but I have never felt so unwanted and unneeded. I am a very lost person right now, and its scary to be so without direction or purpose.
I hope this is temporary. To be caught in transistion between the isolated chambers of Ballarat and the timewarp of Sydney is not something I really relish.

I'm sad because nothing is home at the moment. I'm just lost.

Overkill on the melodrama. Its probably not that bad, and things will likely get a lot better. It has just been....difficult.

I can fix this.


Monday, April 29, 2013

Quitting Facebook

It seems like a good idea, but for the fear that it will isolate me even more than it already does.

But there's just too much shit. Lazy shit. MY lazy shit too.

For starter's, with that volume of people, each spouting whatever it is their agenda leads them to do you cannot help but begin to categorize. It is too tempting to reduce them to a few adjectives, rather than appreciate the reality of their personality.

Also its a highly negative place. To properly engaged anything on a medium like facebook, across text and in front of such a theatre requires time and effort that most anyone is unwilling to invest. Instead we follow the path of least resistance. 'So-and-so disagrees with me or says what he/she says because they are stupid.'

Also facebook activism usually doesn't work. TL;DR. As a place of convenience, it is designed to let people see what they want to see. Ignorance is only a single ignore button away.

I said once that by concerning yourself with the best in people, that's what you get in return. But the best of people is often the part that they like to hide. Especially from the likes of Facebook. If I want to really know people facebook isn't the place to start.

So I'm leaning towards the quit. I'm scared. I'm already pretty lonely and I'm concerned that this will exacerbate such a feeling. But perhaps I should be focusing on having good quality relationships rather than thousands of dodgy online ones.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A slice of Pi.

This book, and this author is amazingly apt at saying very frank and difficult things about both the theist and atheist without them batting an eye.
In one story, or perhaps it is two, he derides the secularist (or perhaps the realist) for its shortcomings and commends the believer for their delusion.

I once did the reverse but have slowly found myself agreeing with Mr Yann Martel. I have been tempered by my own suffering. As I curdled in my depression I cared very little about it's realities. I used to despise faith as a crutch, forcing people to hobble around. But I think now I have been forced to see the ailments that plague us. Suffering is cruel enough without the added knowledge that it serves no ultimate purpose, or that it is not underpinned by promises of greater eternities.
For those strong enough, than yes, religion is best done away with. A strong leg need not be wrapped in a cast, and it is a shame when such a case is found.
I thought I was strong, and maybe I was once. But I fell. And the problem with a delusion is that it dies upon it's discovery. Self-delusion would have been a boon these harsh winters, but it is a tool I discarded long ago, in favour of other things that it could not sit with. I have come to question the utility of my choices. I like being consistent. I like being brave. I love the fact that my mind is so fearless.
But I don't like the misery. Passion is so much more scarce when you limit yourself to the real, and I am wanting, craving, and NEEDING to be a passionate man again. I HATE my apathys.


They are deluded with myths, and happy.
I am right with reason. and miserable.


To no longer need the evils of delusion to bring happiness,
I will strive to build a happiness in the dimensions of reality.

with some very weak legs.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Adaptation!

I have had to adapt to survive the harsh winters of Ballarat. It is eye-opening to see how little the world cares for you outside of those places and domains that you call home. I have grown more capable of dwelling there. But it has come at great cost.
The fundamental needs for human companionship demanded some sacrifice. To forgo my obsession with ideas in exchange for the more harmonious hum drum of getting along remains something that I am uncomfortable with.
The experience of the past two years has resulted in the slow death of my more interesting self. A self I now realize that didn't have the ability to self-sustain. Removed from the Life support of my dear brothers-in-arms it collapsed in upon its own shallow nature. Survival demanded that I be reduced to a frustratingly simpler creature; one that knew how to keep its home and put food in its belly and smiled and waved. A creature that I had been able to neglect all my life thanks to my fortune in the quality of my friends and family.
But witness the cost. Even now I don't speak on ideas or events, but merely on my own journey; a focus on the self that plagues all smaller people.
I don't deny that there has been some essential growth in the past two years. Roots taking place in very necessary places. But the colour of my leaves have faded, and my flowers have wilted. And I fear that there is too little within me to bloom them in a winter as cold as this.

I used apathy to break my fall, but it is like a cozy warm bed on a cold Ballarat morning. And I've never been good at getting out of bed.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The lost Job....

So I hit the end up of my probationary period with Wyndham. In the two weeks of work I managed to hit two deals of which both cancelled.

So basically I've done no sales.

This means I have failed drastically! I think there is a great chance that I will be kept around however. They are short staffed and also I think my boss likes me and wants to keep trying.

I don't know how I feel. The idea of finishing sounds so relaxing.
Because I'd go back to Sydney.
I'd go back home.

Even the most mundane existence sounds amazing back in Sydney. I almost weep at the thought.

Its what I want.

But I have a job. I'm not throwing that away. We'll see what Tuesday brings.

oh to go home.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

What a load of crock!

back here again. good show.

I don't even know why. I don't care I just figure it's good to dump myself somewhere every now and then.

I really hate Ballarat. I'm done with it. seriously, just want to go home by this point.
But I'll hang around for Bec. I have a job! A good job at that. A good job that I'm not very good at yet. I'm a sales consultant. This really is a job I could be very good at. But I'm not good at it. Yet.

Its a job that requires a Positive Mental Attitude for success. Considering the past 15 months I am instantly disqualified from success! That being said that Positive Mental Attitude is on its way. Why? Because I'm over being unhappy. I'm over aiming too high.
I'm seriously content to just be boring as fuck and simply a happy person for at least the next two years.

But that's just for starters. That's all I can aim for at the moment without expecting failure of myself. My self-esteem is shot. I'll get it back but its one step at a time. Fuck the rest, it'll just make me miserable.

so basically, few more months at it. Hopefully I'll get better. I have been. Things aren't suddenly wonderful again, but I'm a far cry from that rock-bottom. That'll do for now.

I really miss my family and friends. Its just too far. Physically but also emotionally, I've just gone to a place that's a bit out of reach. I really hope I can clamber back right into that place I belong.

It's been almost forever since I've felt like I belonged somewhere. At least it feels that way. Just a nomad. I miss my home.


Today I started the paperwork for a 23,000 credit sale! (fkn huge sale! like literally 2k + comission on that) and then the partner came in and canned the whole thing. sucked balls. i took it surprisingly well though. I guess I'm just trying to enjoy my job, and forget the pressure. I do better then. Sales is messed up, can't believe that's where I've landed LOL. I'm not sure I'll last but at the very least I'm going to enjoy the ride.