structure, routine, family and stuff

I'm a little messed up, that much is obvious. What's been really fun is examining why I'm this way.
Family especially.
The whole thing where I had to give up my faith had so many more implications than I thought it would. Initially I was concerned about all the existential things, meaning of life crap, heaven, hell etc. More and more I realize how little those things matter now....to anyone. Especially Christians. Or any religion for that matter.
Because when I left the conventions and communities of my former faith, I had very little to replace them with. Culture provides so many avenues of expression, or construction, or building, and surviving. I lack culture really. The world I grew up in was a lie. An extremely useful one. Unfortunately I made the error of realizing it was a lie before I realized it was useful. And lies are useless once you realize them.
So I have to build my own: Try to take the best of what I've know and make something for myself. I'm terrible at this. And its fucking lonely. You realize how far apart people truly are when you don't have some convention to rely on.
I've made some good friends at my uni, and I know they're quality people. Yet genuine connection comes with great difficulty. There's not enough avenues for expression that is sincere and easy to understand. Its laborious.
The lie of Christianity holds within it great motivation for people to get a long and dabble in some good here and there. But the potential of reality is unending! Alas for me it is not reality that holds me back. Its my own shitty shitness. I'm a lazy fuck. The beauty of this Secular reality, for which I am ever grateful, is wasted on my lazy ass.

I have so much regret. If only I had known, I would have never done so many things, and the few things I would've done I would've done so much sooner.
I have so much regret and I'm so exhausted from living in it.
I feel like there's some hope that I might salvage something from this wreck. Others might see it as sinking to the bottom of the pit, whereas I see it as my only way out.

rock-bottom but the only way is up.

I've indulged the worst of my moodiness. It feels almost cleansing at times. I'm trying to ignore how disappointed I am in myself. I find if I appreciate the fact I return to my motive-less pit of depression. Constrictive wanksauce that it is.

I sleep way too much, I don't exercise at all, I hardly do house work, I spend up to 10 hours a day playing video games. This is my life at the moment. Its truly the most pathetic state I have ever been in.
But I don't feel terrible about that. I feel a bit more relaxed to be honest. Its revealed so much of myself. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Whom I should do it with?
The answers feel so much more achievable now I've reduced them to the baby steps above the zero upon which I currently reside.
Me and Bec are moving towards a temporary separation. Our relationship isn't bad. In fact it's great. We've been really honest to each other, and truly care for each other, but I can't resolve to be in this marriage how it is now forever. I feel so claustrophobic at times, and it does so much to sap my motivation. I think so much of my apathy stems from this resignation. Logically it doesn't add up, but its just how it is.
It really sucks. You'd figure that love would be enough for two people to be happy. Not even nearly. I'm so grateful to Bec that she understands all this, and that she's supporting me in all this, even though it pains her considerably. I tried to avail her that, to simply wear my cross, but the pleasant facade wasn't convincing enough, and she saw through to  those dark crying parts of me. And she reached and said 'its okay.'
What a woman! Very few people will understand why I need this, and many will think less of me for it. It is a testament to her character and compassion that she is not among them.
It gives of a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep me moving. I feel excited to be on my own again. Finally. Freedom in a much more truer sense. Freedom.

So I am at rock-bottom at the moment. Seriously, it's 3:20Am. I have uni tomorrow. I opened the required reading and didn't read it. that's how well I'm going. Diablo 3 will come along and exacerbate the problem too!
But I'm enjoying this. There are benefits to not expecting anything of yourself. It won't last forever. I will build again, but for now, I'm just going to take it one baby step at a time, and the rest: whatevs. come what may.

That first step is a job. I'm tired of being poor as balls. And it sucks. Getting a job is currently the most infuriating thing in my life, and since its the only thing I'm worried about every rejection is a massive stab in the heart. Bloody hell I really just need a job.

So basically, don't expect much from me. I'll do better than this, eventually, but how much better? I don't care anymore. Don't hold your breath for anything fantastic. I'm not anymore. It hurt to let that go, but I just don't believe in myself anymore. But baby steps, and just maybe I might do something half-decent at some point in my life.

venting and stuff.

In my life I have vastly under appreciated the importance of discipline. Obviously.

I always figured that there was an ideal life I should be living, and that it was just a matter of lining up my life accordingly. Turns out to be quite a backward way of doing it.

I see now that for me, what's more important is to see the life I'm living now, and just seeking to do bits of better, improving it here and there slowly but surely, until I just wake up and realize I'm living the ideal life.
I just need to get on with it; that here and there stuff. I also need to work out what that here and there stuff is. It doesn't even need to be complicated or grandiose,  or fancy. It just needs to be something that's in front of me, that I can enjoy and work hard at. Uni works sometimes.
I need a fucking job. Its disheartening how difficult I'm finding it to get one. Not just because of how little responses I'm receiving but also just how out my depth I feel. Its like my resume must say 'Is a lazy dick' on it or something. I just can't put a finger on why I'm not getting any calls and its pissing me off. I'm thinking its probably mostly hours and uni and what not.
But still! Whys it so hard? Its got me anxious.



This is all pretty frustrating to be honest. There's personal things going on to that are just a fucking worldton of bullshit. Stuff that isn't anyone's fault either. Its just how a few coins have landed and they really suck some serious ass. And its pretty full on and complicated so its not like I can talk to anyone about it either. Not here in Ballarat anyways, and not face to face. And there's no way I could really lay this out if it weren't face to face and with someone that knew me well, and whose judgement I trusted. Its massively debilitating.

I'm at a place in my life that is just grossly frustrating and infuriating. I'm furious at myself for how much I overestimated myself. I'm just in this awkward life that isn't me in the slightest, and its just so super duper claustrophobic. I cant breath sometimes.
I think I'm less depressed about it than I was. I've come to terms of sorts with this suffocation I wrought upon myself.

This blog has become a diary in which to vent. I'm sorry if anyone reads this, I just have nothing else at the moment, so if I don't write here, it'll just bottle up even more and come out in some dangerous way.

So dark. So macarbe. Makes me feel so lame. I've been feeling pretty lame for a long time now actually. I'm just weaksauce. How pussy is that?/
I just need to find one thing, something useful, something challenging, something that makes at least some money, that I can just do.
Enough! I tire of my own bleargh.