structure, routine, family and stuff

I'm a little messed up, that much is obvious. What's been really fun is examining why I'm this way.
Family especially.
The whole thing where I had to give up my faith had so many more implications than I thought it would. Initially I was concerned about all the existential things, meaning of life crap, heaven, hell etc. More and more I realize how little those things matter now....to anyone. Especially Christians. Or any religion for that matter.
Because when I left the conventions and communities of my former faith, I had very little to replace them with. Culture provides so many avenues of expression, or construction, or building, and surviving. I lack culture really. The world I grew up in was a lie. An extremely useful one. Unfortunately I made the error of realizing it was a lie before I realized it was useful. And lies are useless once you realize them.
So I have to build my own: Try to take the best of what I've know and make something for myself. I'm terrible at this. And its fucking lonely. You realize how far apart people truly are when you don't have some convention to rely on.
I've made some good friends at my uni, and I know they're quality people. Yet genuine connection comes with great difficulty. There's not enough avenues for expression that is sincere and easy to understand. Its laborious.
The lie of Christianity holds within it great motivation for people to get a long and dabble in some good here and there. But the potential of reality is unending! Alas for me it is not reality that holds me back. Its my own shitty shitness. I'm a lazy fuck. The beauty of this Secular reality, for which I am ever grateful, is wasted on my lazy ass.

I have so much regret. If only I had known, I would have never done so many things, and the few things I would've done I would've done so much sooner.
I have so much regret and I'm so exhausted from living in it.
I feel like there's some hope that I might salvage something from this wreck. Others might see it as sinking to the bottom of the pit, whereas I see it as my only way out.