rock-bottom but the only way is up.

I've indulged the worst of my moodiness. It feels almost cleansing at times. I'm trying to ignore how disappointed I am in myself. I find if I appreciate the fact I return to my motive-less pit of depression. Constrictive wanksauce that it is.

I sleep way too much, I don't exercise at all, I hardly do house work, I spend up to 10 hours a day playing video games. This is my life at the moment. Its truly the most pathetic state I have ever been in.
But I don't feel terrible about that. I feel a bit more relaxed to be honest. Its revealed so much of myself. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Whom I should do it with?
The answers feel so much more achievable now I've reduced them to the baby steps above the zero upon which I currently reside.
Me and Bec are moving towards a temporary separation. Our relationship isn't bad. In fact it's great. We've been really honest to each other, and truly care for each other, but I can't resolve to be in this marriage how it is now forever. I feel so claustrophobic at times, and it does so much to sap my motivation. I think so much of my apathy stems from this resignation. Logically it doesn't add up, but its just how it is.
It really sucks. You'd figure that love would be enough for two people to be happy. Not even nearly. I'm so grateful to Bec that she understands all this, and that she's supporting me in all this, even though it pains her considerably. I tried to avail her that, to simply wear my cross, but the pleasant facade wasn't convincing enough, and she saw through to  those dark crying parts of me. And she reached and said 'its okay.'
What a woman! Very few people will understand why I need this, and many will think less of me for it. It is a testament to her character and compassion that she is not among them.
It gives of a light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep me moving. I feel excited to be on my own again. Finally. Freedom in a much more truer sense. Freedom.

So I am at rock-bottom at the moment. Seriously, it's 3:20Am. I have uni tomorrow. I opened the required reading and didn't read it. that's how well I'm going. Diablo 3 will come along and exacerbate the problem too!
But I'm enjoying this. There are benefits to not expecting anything of yourself. It won't last forever. I will build again, but for now, I'm just going to take it one baby step at a time, and the rest: whatevs. come what may.

That first step is a job. I'm tired of being poor as balls. And it sucks. Getting a job is currently the most infuriating thing in my life, and since its the only thing I'm worried about every rejection is a massive stab in the heart. Bloody hell I really just need a job.

So basically, don't expect much from me. I'll do better than this, eventually, but how much better? I don't care anymore. Don't hold your breath for anything fantastic. I'm not anymore. It hurt to let that go, but I just don't believe in myself anymore. But baby steps, and just maybe I might do something half-decent at some point in my life.