bleak

sad post today.

I've more or less diagnosed myself with mild depression.

I'm not sure on the details, I don't really trust myself to make ends meet of all that's going on with me at the moment. All I know is there every now and then I get this heaviness on me that makes it difficult to breath. to act. to do anything really. Its quite debilitating.

I'm just not happy here. I can feel the tunnel vision starting to come into play too. Not really caring about uni-work, or people, or writing or gaming or anything.

I'm not sure what to point at either. I love my wife, but I hate being a husband let alone being in a marriage/serious relationship, I like writing, but the more I learn about the writing industry the less I like about it, I'm isolated from friends and family, but I'm not sure how having them around would help me get my act together. I want to make all my own decisions for once, but I'm terrified of how useless I'll end up being.
I know I'm smart, but I'm so fucking lazy, and I just can't seem to beat that out me, as close as I've gotten at times.
I just don't believe in myself in anymore.
The decisions I've made for myself, even when I've tried to the right thing haven't really gotten me anywhere I'd really like to be. Or maybe it's the decisions I failed to make for myself.
I used to think there was something in me worth squeezing out. Not so much anymore, if at all. Now I just feel lame...really lame.
I resent myself for letting things to get to this point. I hate how I let so much just happen that I really shouldn't have let happen. I think I might hate myself for the life I've chosen for myself.
And I can't fix it. Not without hurting and disappointing those whom I care for most in this life.
And I just don't think I'm worth that.

I'm not happy :(