Gasp I missed a day. How horrible and lazy and bad of me.
Just kidding. Who cares.
Man going softer on myself has made my life so much richer. Like take mornings for example. I am SO shit at mornings. I'm like borderline zombie in the morning. I am more or less persistently late.
*call interruption*
I'm blogging at work between calls so it's fragmenting my train of thought. But back to mornings!
I used to beat myself up over them. Now not so much. I mean I still hate it when I'm late. Especially if its important - but generally I've just -
*call interruption*
And I'm back! I think someone used dial-up on the line and wrecked it. It's funny. I'm still on there hearing dial-tones.
But yes, I've accepted that I am not a morning person. It's a habit I can't shake. My cognitive faculties in the morning are too weak to bring to bear, and I have all these cached thoughts and behaviours from when my life sucked that I can't avoid. I know intellectually my day will probably be awesome but my morning body has habituated to resisting the waking up process.
I think I'll just do my best and not let the outcome worry me
*call interruption*
and honestly that makes me feel like I can do it. It means I'm not afraid to keep trying because I'm not going to waste any energy worrying or stressing about it.
in a weird roundabout reaching way I'm finding its a consequence of changing some core-beliefs regarding self worthiness.
"Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now, not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now." - Brene Brown.
That shit rocked my world. I was living a life where I was constantly not enough, and I was always waiting for me to reach my potential before I'd even consider myself worthy. And its because I've got this concept that I am worthy despite imperfection, I'm not chasing validation, I'm not insecure; I'm come at all things from a place of confidence - including my bad morning habits.
Yes they're costly at times, and get in the way; but they have no control over my worthiness.
*call interruption*
and I'm back. This job is not good for letting my write things.
The morning seems like such a small thing but honestly it feels so different to how it was in my life before.
2.
I'm still groping with finding the balance between sensitivity, taking responsibility and whether to accept fault. I'm generally huge on being sensitive, but I'm often frustrated by the extent to which I always have to consider others; there's always someone whose going to be offended.
I've found that adopting a level of hyper-sensitivity isn't always a healthy way forward. It sets a bar that follows you around, and then you find yourself having to mince absolutely everything you say. It's untenable to take personal responsibility/fault for every time a person is upset. And honestly sometimes they should be upset.
But I'm standing in the refuge of assholes in this. Which is an upsetting reality.
I think I'm struggling to find why I find it so exasperating. I've been challenged about being naive to my privilege as a a white, rich, educated straight male on the odd occasion, and not maliciously. Usually with best intention. And it doesn't happen often, because generally most people recognize I am a very empathetic person.
But perhaps that's it. I've worked hard to learn to care and listen and love where I feel it really matters. And what's more I've gotten really good at it. I know by and large I try to behave in a manner that treats people with decency and respect where it matters.
I need to grapple with it more so I can articulate and understand this tension more clearly.
Because I appreciate the need to be careful and sensitive, and I agree that we should all be caring about each others feelings and well-being. But I also feel something needs to be said about tiptoeing around each other all the time. Somewhere that becomes an interference between people, or even an disingenuous indulgence.
And for me personally, what are my boundaries? Where are my responsibilities?
3.
I feel I've come to a much more complete understanding about the long reaching consequences of having an intimate relationship. I had a compartmentalized intimacy not too long ago that kind of spilled over into real life in a pretty big way. It was a tricky thing to handle. There's dimension to it wherein you share this precious space with a person wherein you are vulnerable and real. You give them this incredible power of you; you let them touch and validate and edify the very essence of who you are. Its like you have all this levels of connection. Then when it ends, often for very good reasons, suddenly you have to set up these walls - you can't relate the way you did. The space is forfeited. It has to be if either party is to look after itself and move on. But unfortunately that forfeit also includes the opportunity to validate and communicate affection and respect. They can't afford to let your affections be important to them. Despite my desire to ensure that the person knows that I still think they are truly wonderful, that I have the deepest respect for them and believe in their worthiness, it can't be communicated without violating this paradigm; we no longer share that space.
So I wan them to know that, and they may want to know that, but its such that I've no right to need them to know that I know that. That communication would cultivate a dependence on each other that we can no longer afford.
That sounds confusing and complicated. But I guess it is.
I think its also help me realized another harsh reality of intimacy in the modern world:
4.
Relationships are complicated and messy and everywhere because life has become complicated and messy and everywhere.
I don't mean this in a negative way either.
But life is so diverse nowadays, and repression becomes less and less appealing as a way of navigating life. Probably because it makes us unhappy.
We're complicated and that complication will come into our relationships. Its exciting because it opens up so many ways for us to connect and experience each other. But that's inevitably tricky to navigate at times.
5.
It's really hard to write when your thoughts are interrupted every 2 seconds by a call. its just a mess
but maybe i should try anyway to help fight perfectionism. There's a lot of thoughts out in this post that look incomplete and strange without proper context. But whatever, I'm not writing an academic essay. I'm dicking around at work; I can indulge a lack of coherence here.
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