19/08/2015

1.
1000 words a day

that seems like a fair amount.

The blank page has been kicking my ass. I have all this stuff I need to express but I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of it. I wish I had just been writing everyday for ever.

But yeah I should just write a lot.

Its difficult to rectify the need to be sincere and honest and oversharing. I don't like that. Its hard.

2.
I'm irked though. Irked and muted. I have a strong desire to project my mind into the public domain and get some discourse going, but to do so threatens the tenuous relationships I have with some people I care deeply about.
But I don't know that I can go on so silently. I'm realizing that its quite a burden. I feel like there is so much I can contribute and I'm constantly holding back because of family. Because I think they're scared. Because I feel like I need to protect them.
That feeling is waning. I don't want to protect them. They are better than that, and if not, they should understand that I at least expect them to be.

3.
The other odd thing is how much my relationship with my partner has really stirred up these feelings. To get security from her love and acceptance has made me feel more free to tackle meatier issues. For a while I have been taking things very slowly out of necessity. There were very few people I could count onto to care for me and so I feel like I've had to be my own source of love and compassion a lot of the time. To have someone else who is willing to look after me in that way is extremely empowering. I am grateful for her.

I am realizing that she's probably going to be a pretty permanent fixture in my life. That is both intimidating and exciting. That commitment to single-ness I had going there for a while was really the only thing that gave me pause, and under analysis there was no real reason why I wouldn't want to surrender it. I didn't need it any more.
Its not just that we get along. Across the past year particularly, she has been exposed to pretty much every aspect of my life. She knows who I am, what I want and what I expect and she's walked into that willingly, with eyes wide open. She knows I want to be the best version of myself and she wants to be a part of that process.
She's amazing and I love her. We'll see what our future holds. Could be anything, but what gives me confidence is our ability and strength to handle it. We've kicked so much ass already.

And its going to be challenging, what with our families being so different to us. I kind of relish the opportunity actually.

4.
But in terms of formatting my writing; I dunno. Blog posts? Daily journal? Neither? A weird combination of public essays and personal writings?
I'm worry about dividing the 2 because what's worth sharing is mostly what's personal. But some business is merely my own. I wonder how to strike the balance.
I think to start though a 1000 words a day won't go astray.

5.
I've been reprimanded lately for the use of a homophobic slur, despite it being highly and obviously facetious. Generally the sentiments expressed I agree with.
The context was such that the choice of word was probably unnecessary. Its hard line to tread though. Hyper-sensitivity is a word that I'm afraid to employ, namely because its used by assholes and bigots everywhere as an excuse for them to say horrible things. but maybe being audacious in such a manner is a litmus test  I employ; perhaps unfairly so at times -
It's hard to know what level of sensitivity any given circumstance requires. In this case my level of sensitivity was clearly not high enough.
I wonder about parody of racism, homophobia and the such. Is it ever safe to do so? And does it need doing?
Perhaps I've used it as a way of signalling my disdain for them, but the message gets lost across the inferential gap sometimes. Something I need to think about a little more. There's more nuance that I haven't being intelligent enough about.