I have been somewhat neglectful of this little project. I don't regret it. Better things have been taking up my time. Also worse things. I mean I want to blog, but I don't want to force it. There's not enough me in it, at the end of the day, and that's the only thing that's going to keep me writing. I'm going to have to remedy that somehow.
University has started in earnest. It's exciting. There are new people, new things to learn, new stuff to do, and whilst topics aren't quite as engaging as one would hope, they hold plenty of promise.
Ballarat is taking a while to adjust to. I am managing but there is a sense of isolation and entrapment that I didn't really foresee.
The levels upon which Bec and I must rely on each other has revealed some areas of tension, and breathing space can feel a little crowded at times. As previously iterated however there is a trust in each others' character and honesty that makes this nuances tolerable. It's a lot to come across the state border and set up life over again.
I'm frustrated over my own lack of motivation at times. I think there are little bubbles (and at least one large one) of depression that I've been glossing over for years that are starting to demand some attention. It tends to be stuff I've gotten so used to not thinking about that solutions readily escape me. At times the illusion is complete and I feel they are merely vapors of previous grief, but they revisit all to often, stealing my sleep, sapping my breath.
I am functional in any case. And mostly happy. But some things matter more than happiness.
I really need a job. Money got away from me, something I always feared but never really acted upon. It was never desperate, but enough to make me sweat a little. Things have sorted, but some extra income would put much at ease. Looking for work is frustrating to say the least. I don't know when it is not. It sucks trying to give a marketable account of yourself in one resume. I'm confident that if just one place I like gives me at least an interview I'll land it. Just one of those areas. Keep prodding. prodding. prodding.
New friends are a weird thing as well.
I'm using to being surrounded by fairly large networks, and I count myself lucky in that I've had fair choice in those I've become close to. My close friendships are built on history, common interest, intimacy, quality.
You can't really get straight into that with new people. I guess on account of them being new.
Just means I'm bored a lot, and lonely at times, whilst these new relationships ferment. They are new though, and thus also exciting. And it's nice to see myself in a new space as well. It allows me to have another look at who I am nowadays.
Being a first year means everyone's new. Everyone's scared shitless of each other.
I've been getting into politics again. Especially with this recent leadership spill. It is both infuriating and fascinating and I'm not sure why I'm doing it. I guess because it matters, and it feels like it's something worth caring about. I'm not so sure about that sentiment.
Cory Bill inspires me at least. He proves that sense can exist in that area.
Generally speaking, in conclusion, ergo, I am well. But I expect much more of myself. I should be great. Might take a little time.
My words are too boring. I must embellish them somehow. If I can't be sincere then I shouldn't bother anything.
It can be hard when you expect so much of yourself and perceive yourself as falling short of that expectation.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the frequency of your blog posts, I think that you have been keeping a very good pace, if you find yourself struggling for ideas, perhaps limiting yourself to only once a week/fortnight/month, and making sure it is a good one could help.
Although, giving yourself that kind of time and space is probably not the best practice for what you would face in any journalistic context.
Regarding uni, I also have found that there can be quite a wide variance in the quality of different subjects. However, I would advice you to just keep your eyes open for things which excite and engage you, and don't be afraid to chase those things, even if it means changing/restructuring your degree/program.